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Telephone Lineman

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 31, 2007 | 1 Comment

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.

He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said,

“My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn’t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them”.

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said,

“My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn’t have to climb down”.

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.

He’d had it with this kid so he says to him,

“I’ll bet your dad doesn’t have two of these, does he?”

The boy replied, “No, but his would make two of yours”.

Little Old Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 30, 2007 | No Comments

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

Hemophiliac Hooker

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 29, 2007 | No Comments

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?”

“Well,” the doctor answered, “Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?” the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!”

Salesman

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 28, 2007 | No Comments

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?”

Expected Baby

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 27, 2007 | No Comments

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Drinking Buddies

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 26, 2007 | No Comments

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Great”, he said! “Just great”! The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No . . . “

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

Saving Up

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 25, 2007 | No Comments

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, “What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator.”

“Oh my God,” said the bride. “He told me that he had been saving up for 75 years…. I thought he meant his money!!”

Mind Over Matter

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 24, 2007 | 1 Comment

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

Extra 15 Dollars

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 23, 2007 | No Comments

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said;

“If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The cabbie recognized the businessman and watched as he got into the first cab in the line. After a short conversation the driver became very agitated and screamed”

“Get the hell out of my cab!!”

The businessman got into the next cab, had another short conversation and was again told, “Get the hell out of my cab!”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replied, “fifteen bucks, and I bet you don’t have any money right?”

The businessman said, “I have plenty of money” and flashed a wad of bills, “Drive on”

As they drove slowly past the line of cabs the businessman smiled as he gave the other cabbies the thumbs up sign.

“I don’t get it,” said the driver, “why did the rest of the guys scream at you to get out of their cabs?”

“I asked them if they’d give me a blow job for an extra $15”

Rope A Dope

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 22, 2007 | No Comments

This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through.

He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.

So, the man says to himself, “I know why he stopped at him, he’s homeless!” So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.

Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, “I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!

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