Saint
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 10, 2007 | No Comments
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
“I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. “He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.” After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:
“But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”
The Garden Party
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 9, 2007 | 2 Comments
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, ‘That man is such a talented dancer, that I’d pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class! ‘When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, ‘Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?’
Stretching A Dime
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 8, 2007 | 2 Comments
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who’d get the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, “I know you can’t beat that for stretching a dime.”
The Ukrainian said, “I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!”
Funeral Notice
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 7, 2007 | No Comments
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, “How much do funeral notices cost?”
“$5.00 per word, Ma’am,” came the response.
“Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“OK, write this: ‘Cohen died.’”
“I’m sorry, Ma’am; I forgot to tell you there’s a five-word minimum.”
“Hmmph,” came the reply, “You certainly did forget to tell me that.” A moment of silence. “Got your pencil and paper?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“OK, print this: ‘Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.’”
Three Cowboys
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 6, 2007 | 1 Comment
Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma. went into a bar bragging about who was the worst of the three.
The Oklahoman said, “Watch this!” and yelled at the barmaid, “Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your buns over here.” When the barmaid got there, the guy from Oklahoma guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers. She was startled.
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, “Hey barmaid, bring a beer with a shot of Tequila and get your butt over here with it.” The barmaid brought it and he drank the beer and Tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers. The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Oklahoman.
The Texas cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid, “Honey, bring me a whole bottle of Tequila and hurry.” Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of Tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screamed, “You aren’t going to shoot that off are you?” He replied, “Heck no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself.”
Departed Grandmother
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 5, 2007 | No Comments
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
“It’s really, really you, grandmother?”, the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”
The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”
“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”
Bill, Hill and Chelsea
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 4, 2007 | 1 Comment
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.” Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.” Hillary just shook her head. Don’t pay any attention to what he says dear. He’s not really your father.”
Condom Sizing
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 3, 2007 | 1 Comment
Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.
“What size?” asked the blond pharmacist’s assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn’t sure of his size. The blond led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.
“Size six,” she told him after a moment. “Now, take it out. How many?”
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.
Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, “But I’m afraid I don’t know my size,” he told the sales girl.
So the blond led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. “Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?”
But Tom kept on going until he was done. “None, thanks,” he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. “I just came in for a fitting.”
Hiking Money
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 2, 2007 | No Comments
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.
“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth!” Johnny replied.
“Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
Moose
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 1, 2007 | 2 Comments
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?” The guy in the front said, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
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