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Joke of the Day For Everybody

Adult Movie

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 20, 2007 | No Comments

A blond decides to do something she hasn’t done before, and goes to the video store to rent her first X-rated adult video. After looking around at the store, she selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain stating, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?”

The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.'”

Incredible Indian

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 19, 2007 | No Comments

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”

Snoring

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 18, 2007 | 1 Comment

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Navy man assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Navy guy.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the sailor explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Avid Golfer

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 17, 2007 | 2 Comments

A young man who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,

“You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Cheap Shepherd

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 16, 2007 | 1 Comment

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”

The clerk handed him a mirror.

A Desert Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 15, 2007 | 1 Comment

A fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert, decides to visit a friend in the city. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle–Whooee da Whooee!–but doesn’t know what it is.

Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good teakettle?” The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

Headstone

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 14, 2007 | No Comments

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,’Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

Breaking The Rules

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 13, 2007 | No Comments

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

Penguin

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 12, 2007 | No Comments

A guy is walking down the street, and he’s really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he’s really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says “Look, I only have five dollars. I’m really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!”

The guy there says “OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin.”

“What’s a penguin?”

“You’ll see.”

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his “penguin.” Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he’s about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting “HEY! WHAT’S A PENGUIN?!”

A Good Answer

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 11, 2007 | No Comments

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, “Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”

The mother replies, “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.”

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, “Ahhhhhhh, C’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They’re hookers!”

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, “Mommy, do the ladies have any children?”

The mother replies, “Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”

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