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Simple Misunderstanding

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 30, 2007 | No Comments

“It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

“Explain that statement!” demanded the Judge.

“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman — so I showed her.”

Interstate Love

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 29, 2007 | 4 Comments

4 guys are driving cross-country together — one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The man from Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground-I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies,

“Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Little Adam

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 28, 2007 | 1 Comment

Little Adam rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says,

“Put that away Adam! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Adam whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Adam says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Adam, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Adam says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

Athlete’s Pussy

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 27, 2007 | No Comments

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

“Syphilis of the big toe?”, he inquired, “isn’t that rare.”

The doc said “You think that’s rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete’s pussy.”

Holding Out

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 26, 2007 | No Comments

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

He said…She said

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 25, 2007 | 1 Comment

10) He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

9) She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

8) He said … Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

7) He said… ‘Two inches more, and I would be king’
She said…’Two inches less, and you’d be queen

6) On wall in ladies room: “My husband follows me everywhere.” Written just below it: “I do not.”

5) He said… “Shall we try a different position tonight?”
She said…”That’s a good idea…. you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. “

4) Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’

3) He said … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said … Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

…and the number 1 “He said…She said”..

1) He said … Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said…I would, but you’re never there.

My Goldfish Died

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 24, 2007 | No Comments

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”

The Winning Lottery Number

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 23, 2007 | No Comments

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.

“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707….

Horse

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 22, 2007 | No Comments

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: “What was that for?”

WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”

MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

MAN: “What was that for this time?”

WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”

Jerking Off

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 21, 2007 | No Comments

Tim comes home from work and says to his wife,

“I think one of the guys at work is gay.”

His wife asks, “Why do you think that?”

He says, “Today we were standing at the urinals and he was jerking off.”

She asks, “How does that make him gay?”

“Because,” said Tim, “he was using MY penis.”

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