Embarrassment
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 11, 2007 | 1 Comment
I was 19 at the time of this incident…
About a year ago for the summer I had worked as a telemarketer. One day I had to be in really early since a co – worker was sick and I had to take her place. I had to work 8 hours that day and only had five 45 minute breaks for Cigarettes or just chit chat with other people. The pay was good nothing to complain about. But this one day REALLY STUNK. I went in at 8o clock in the morning. By Noon I had already consumed 5 cups of coffee. By 2 o clock I wasn’t feeling all that well. I was on the phone with a costumer that was an Elderly Lady and I said out loud, “Excuse me can I put you on hold for a few minutes I think I’m about to shit my pants!” Without getting and answer I tapped the button and went to the bathroom.
I was in there for well over 30 minutes. I have never felt that bad in my life. After I thought I was done I went back out and sat down in my cubicle and started going back on calling people. I called back the person I put on hold and began talking to her again. I ACCIDENTALLY TAPPED THE LOUDSPEAKER BUTTON along with the call button.
Everyone in the office heard THIS conversation :
“I’m sorry I put you on hold for so long.”
“Oh that’s okay, are you feeling better did you shit your pants?”
“No I didn’t shit my pants but I had the runs for over 30 minutes.”
“Oh okay, I can understand that I’ve had that problem many times before, well lets continue shall we?”
Next day at work their was a package of DEPENDS on my chair and all over my cubicle. I was so Embarrassed, I quit the job about a month later.
Circus
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 10, 2007 | No Comments
The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”
The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”
Short Jokes
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 9, 2007 | No Comments
“HOW was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate.
“Terrible!” the room-mate answered.”He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”
—–
Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, “keep tightly closed.”
—–
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
—–
Waiter : I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg.
Customer : Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
—–
Manager : Sorry,but I can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!
—–
Dad : “Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.”
Son : (goes over to the aunt) “Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.
—–
Teacher: “How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?”
College student: “With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B.”
—–
“Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.”
“That’s nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?”
“She just said, ‘Thank goodness!’”
—–
Teacher: “Chong, u missed school last Friday.”
Chong : “You’re wrong, Sir.”
Teacher: “Wrong, how is that?”
Chong : “I was absent, yes but I certainly didn’t miss it!”
—–
A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up. “Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.”‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”
—–
Tooth extraction
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : $90.00.
Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
—–
Teacher : “How come you do not comb your hair?”
Ah Kow : “No comb, Sir.”
Teacher : “Use your dad’s then.”
Ah Kow : “No hair, Sir.”
Horny Bull
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 8, 2007 | No Comments
A man and his brother inherit a farm… on the farm there are some cows, and one horny bull. The first morning of their stay on the farm, they went outside to find that the bull had escaped his pen, gotten out with the cows, and when they found him, his eyes were crossed.
The two men decided to call the vet. The vet came out, stuck a tube in the bulls rear and blew really hard, the bulls eyes went back to normal. The vet charged the two men $50.00.
On the second morning, the two brothers awoke only to find the bull back out with the cows, and his eyes were crossed again. They thought about it, and decided NOT to call the vet, they could save $50.00 if they could just find a tube, and they’d do it themselves.
One brother says to the other “I’ll blow on the tube, you watch his eyes.”
After numerous attempts, the brothers decide they should switch. The brother that was originally watching the bull’s eyes walks around to the rear of the bull, pulls out the tube, and sticks the other end in.
“What’d ya do that fer?” asked the brother.
He replies, “Well, you don’t think I want to blow on the same end as you, do ya?”
Worry
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 7, 2007 | No Comments
Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Whales
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 6, 2007 | 1 Comment
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father 5 years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father’s death, the male whale says to the female “Let’s go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales.”
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells “They’re going to shore – Let’s go gobble them up!”
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative:
“HEY!”, she says, “I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”
What a Woman Looks Like
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 5, 2007 | No Comments
Woman’s Version
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy a pair of shoes instead of dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop buying new shoes years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. “Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”
The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and buying new shoes.”
Man’s Version
A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”
Why Computer Tech Guy Got Crazy
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 4, 2007 | No Comments
Tech: What is your User Name?
Cust: John Smith.
Tech: (searching for user name johnsmith to no avail) that’s your USER Name, your login name?
Cust: Yep.
Tech: .. (search for cust acct by last name, find a million Smiths.. finally find their acct.) We have your user name listed as “wolf231″.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: Not John Smith.
Cust: Yep.
Tech: …
—-
Tech: What error message are you getting?
Cust: I’m not getting an error, it just won’t connect.
Tech: Nothing comes up when you try to connect?
Cust: Nope, nothing happens at all. It doesn’t say anything.
Tech: .. and nothing appears on the screen what-so-ever..?
Cust: Nope.
Tech: – Well.. What happens to lead you to believe that it isn’t working?
Cust: It says Error 691, User Name or Password..
Tech: That’s what we in the buisness call an ERROR MESSAGE.
—-
Tech: Goto My Computer on your desktop.
Cust: Yes, I have a computer on my desk.
Tech: No. There is an ICON on your desktop called My Computer, double click on it and it will open.
Cust: I don’t see Your Computer.
Tech: No, it is called My Computer, not literally mine, it’s just the name of it.
Cust: Ok.. just a sec.. <5 mins later> – hm.. Now what is the desktop again?
Tech: .. It’s where the background is.. you know. It has all the little small pictures of stuff that you click on on it.
—-
Tech: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Cust: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Cust: “What do you mean?”
Tech: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Cust: “I’m not going to do that!”
3 Couples Go Camping
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 3, 2007 | No Comments
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, “Wow, unbelievable!”
Bill woke up and asked, “What’s going on?”
Bob said, “I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.”
“How come?”
“To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I’ve ever had in my life!”
After a pause, Bill said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?”
“Because that’s my dick you’re holding.”
Cinderella
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 2, 2007 | No Comments
Long, long ago in a land far away, a beautiful girl wished on a falling star that she may go to a ball the the Prince was having. When magically appeared her very own fairy godmother, she granted Cinderella her wish and sent Cinderella to the ball in a beautiful blue dress with crystal slippers, a glorious carriage with 6 white horses and 2 handsome coachmen. She had one warning for Cinderella, she said ” Cinderella, you have to be home by midnight, That is when my magic spell will be broken. Oh and one more thing, I have put a curse on you if you do not return home by the appointed hour your pussy will turn into a pumpkin.” “Ok” said Cinderella. And off she went to the ball. The fairy godmother waited and waited and waited but Cinderella did not come home by midnight, she didn’t return until 9am the next morning. The fairy godmother asked her “where were you? You knew that you had to be home by midnight” Cinderella replied, “I met a man…..his name is Peter-Peter”
(For those of you who don’t know who “Peter-Peter” is, he is a famous fairy tale “pumpkin” eater)
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