Scottish Ticket Dodgers
Funny Joke Posted on | October 21, 2007 | No Comments
Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three Englanders.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three Scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed Englishman.
“Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
Stranded
Funny Joke Posted on | October 20, 2007 | No Comments
There was once a man and his dog, who were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find something, except for a barrel.
So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfill his sexual desires. One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using. So the two of them used the barrel until they died.
About 50 years later, the island was discovered by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there.
One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a load full of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that.
However 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior’s room and said, “I’ve got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 10 months ago and now I have a baby.”
Mother Superior then replied, “You’re more fortunate my child, I’ve got a puppy…”
Recovering
Funny Joke Posted on | October 19, 2007 | No Comments
“You seem to be recovering,” the doctor said. “These x-rays show some damage to the bone, but I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“Believe me,” the patient said, “if your bone were damaged, I wouldn’t worry about it either.”
A Dark and Stormy Night
Funny Joke Posted on | October 18, 2007 | No Comments
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door only to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn’t come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn’t drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. “Look, that’s the character who climbed into our car while we were pushing!”
$80,000 Mortgage
Funny Joke Posted on | October 17, 2007 | No Comments
An 8 year old boy asks his daddy for a bike. Dad says “I can’t afford a new bike right now, I got an $80,000 mortgage”. The son sulked off disappointed. The following day when mom and dad returned home from work the son was on the front porch with his suitcase packed and said “I’m out of here!” . The father asked “What do you mean your out of here?” The son replied,”Yeah, I heard you two last night. Dad said he was pulling out, Mom said she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I gonna get stuck here with no bike and an $80,000 mortgage!”
Talk Too Much
Funny Joke Posted on | October 16, 2007 | No Comments
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
Patient And Doctors
Funny Joke Posted on | October 15, 2007 | No Comments
Patient:Doctor, do you think that i will live for another 40 years.?
Doctor:Do you go out and have fun with friends and do crazy things.?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you pig out and eat fun stuff ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you smoke ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you do 69 with your wife or girlfriend or mistress ?
Patient:No!
Doctor:Do you go see hookers?
Patient:NOOOOO!!!!!!
Doctor:YOU KNOW WHAT, I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WANT TO LIVE FOR ANOTHER 40 YEARS.
Five Bucks
Funny Joke Posted on | October 14, 2007 | No Comments
A man is walking around New York with his wife.
They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.
A hooker comes along and says to him, “Like to come home with me, buddy? “
“For how much?” asks the man.
“One hundred dollars,” the hooker answers.
“I’ll give you five bucks,” he replies.
The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man’s wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk.
As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, “HA!. see what you get for five bucks?”
Gorilla
Funny Joke Posted on | October 13, 2007 | No Comments
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The
zoo keeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “*@#$! you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Nexthe
picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
Element
Funny Joke Posted on | October 12, 2007 | No Comments
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd Element:Child) for
prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
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