Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Calf

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 31, 2007 | 2 Comments

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s post-dated six years from now.”

A Wedding

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 30, 2007 | 1 Comment

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting “Silence in Court.”

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, “Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says “OK.”

“Well”, said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leap over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.”

The Judge instantly responded… “Wow.. that must have hurt!”

Paddy replies “HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!”

Donation Box

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 29, 2007 | No Comments

Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the donation box at church. This went on for weeks until the Priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Mrs. Bradley, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the donation box,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas…”

You can’t keep a good man down

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 28, 2007 | No Comments

During my first year in college, I lived on the campus’ first “co-ed by room” dormitory floor.

All the other floors had girls in one wing, and boys in the other wing, separated by a big shared lounge. But on our floor we had girls next door and directly across the hallway. It worked out great, and there were no problems or complaints.

Anyway, one morning I woke up early and had to take a leak, so I sleepily shuffled down the hallway toward the bathroom, wearing only my boxer shorts. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I passed a couple of girls on their way to breakfast and I mumbled a half-awake “good morning.” They didn’t respond. Instead, they stopped walking, turned around and watched me, as I walked past them. Then they burst out laughing.

I thought, “What’s up with them?! This is how people look in the morning, when they’re half awake.” I walked into the bathroom, stepped into the stall, and reached down to free the Big Guy for a much needed pee.

To my horror, the Big Guy was already out of the front of my boxers! And he wasn’t looking the least bit sleepy! He’d been proudly saluting all the way to the bathroom! I guess it’s true what they say: You can’t keep a good man down.

Minor Operation

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 27, 2007 | No Comments

A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She lay on a rolling bed and the nurse brought her into the corridor. Before entering the room, the nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go in and check if everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and began examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examination.

When a third man started examining her body very closely, she grew impatient and asked, “These examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

Condoms

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 26, 2007 | No Comments

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms : – Just do it.
Toyota Condoms : – Oh.. what a feeling.
Ford Condoms : – The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms : – Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms : – Where do you want to go today ?
KFC Condoms : – Finger Licking Good.
M&Ms; Condoms : – Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Coca-Cola Condoms : – The Real Thing.
Ever-Ready Condoms : – Keep going and going ….
Macintosh Condoms : – It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Pringles Condoms : – Once you pop, you can’t stop.

USA Brands
Budwiser Condoms:- This bud’s for you
Burger King Condoms:- Home of the Whopper
Gatorade Condoms:- The thirst Quencher Ball
Park Franks Condoms:- They plump when you use em
Charmin Condoms:- Don’t squeeze the Charmin

Telecom Brands
Nokia Condoms:- This is Human Technology
Ericsson Condoms:- It’s all about connecting people
ATT Condoms:- The right choice
Motorola Condoms:- What you never thought possible

And my personal favorite:
Movies Godzilla Condoms:- Size does matter!!!

Pad, Please!

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 25, 2007 | No Comments

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Research

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 24, 2007 | No Comments

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a Research to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own Research. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own Research. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Liar!!

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 23, 2007 | No Comments

My Lying Wife “That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
“How do you know?” the friend asked.
“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”
“So?”
“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley.”

Qantas

Joke of the Day Posted on | October 22, 2007 | 1 Comment

A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, “Why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The flight attendant asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, “Tell your mother it’s because Qantas always pulls out on time.”

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