A Massive Gorilla
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 20, 2007 | 1 Comment
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree.
This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up-sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he’ll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes.
First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a mean ass dog. The lady exclaims, “What the hell is all that stuff for?” The gorilla extractor explains: “First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass.
This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla.
At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. The lady asks, “What’s the shotgun for?”
The man answers, “In case I fall off the ladder, you shoot that mean ass dog!”
Friendly Dog
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 19, 2007 | No Comments
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by. There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them. The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Taxi
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 18, 2007 | No Comments
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.
Weird Customer
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 17, 2007 | No Comments
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What’s so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies “Your house.”
Evening Gown
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 16, 2007 | No Comments
A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy a surprise formal evening gown for his wife.
“What size?” asked the clerk.
The man shrugged blankly.
Trying to help, the clerk inquired, “Well then, what are your wife’s measurements?”
The man thought for a moment. “Small, medium, and large and in that order.”
Game of Golf
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 15, 2007 | No Comments
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, the leader of Israel sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths.
The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “the Israeli leader wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I’m afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world.”
The Pope asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?”
“None that plays golf very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative.”
Everyone agreed and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. With all due respect, my play was pretty miraculous.”
“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”
Carpet Layer
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 14, 2007 | No Comments
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
“Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”
“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my parakeet.”
What To Wear
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 13, 2007 | No Comments
A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper.”
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie.”
Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’
The man protested, “Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
“Don’t you see? It doesn’t matter what you wear my son, either way you’re fucked!”
Fairy Tales
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 12, 2007 | No Comments
An old woman saved a Fairy’s life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. “Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the Fairy said their
goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, “Now aren’t you sorry you had me neutered?”
A Gay
Joke of the Day Posted on | September 11, 2007 | No Comments
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. “Follow me,” he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. “If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! But follow me, we’re almost there.”
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
“Why is it so damn cold down here?” Pete asks.
“Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” the devil replied.
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