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Joke of the Day For Everybody

Broccoli

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 30, 2007 | No Comments

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, “Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

Because Because Because

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 29, 2007 | No Comments

Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist’s. An editorial writer didn’t take too kindly to that and said, “Well, I’ll bet you $100 that I can stump you.”
“I accept your wager,” he said.
“I’ll bet you can’t use the word ‘because’ three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!”

After thinking for a moment, he replied, “You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction. You lose.”

A Penny

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 28, 2007 | No Comments

i only have a penny

one day a really horny man walked into a cheap whore house and asked the woman in charge “what can i get for a penny?”

she replied

“well, on the hallway straight ahead there is a woman in there you can make love to but don’t be alarmed, she likes to lay still with the lights off.”

the man quickly agrees and goes to the room where the woman lay and proceeded to have sex with her. all of a sudden, to his surprise, white liquid starts to come out of her eyes and ears and nose. he screams and runs back to the front desk.

“there’s white stuff coming out of her eyes!!!!!” yells the man

the woman at the front desk turns around and yells to the people behind her

“the dead one’s full again!”

two days later, the man comes back to the same whore house and decides that

he needs to get a little action

“listen lady, i am really horny,and i only have a dime but i dont want to have sex with any dead people! ok?”

“sure” the woman replies. “just go to the second floor where you will find a big white wall with a hole in it. have sex with the hole and you will reach orgasm. trust me”

so the man proceeds to the second floor, whereupon, he finds the wall and starts to have sex with it. he really enjoys the sex and cums before he leaves.

two days later, the same man returns and asks the same woman

“today i only have a penny. i really enjoyed yesterday, do you have anything else?”

“why yes we do” said the woman. “we cant actually promise you sex but many of our customers like the live sex show on the second floor.”

the man goes up to the second floor and sees a room labeled “sex show”. so he walks in where he finds a goat strapped to a wall being anally penetrated by a penis coming through a hole in the wall, disgusted, the man says to the other gentleman next to him.

“what kind of sick crap is this?”

the man replies “you should have seen it two days ago, some sicko was doing a dog!”

Hell

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 27, 2007 | 1 Comment

A Malaysian named Ah Meng dies and arrives in hell. He finds that there is a different hell for each country and he can choose which hell he wants to go to.

He first goes to the Singapore hell. There outside the door is Ah Lian, looking bored. Ah Meng asks, “What do they do here?”

Ah Lian replies, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Singapore devil comes in and whips your butt for the rest of the day.”

“That’s terrible!” gasps Ah Meng. He is terrified! “I’m going to check out the other hells!”, he yells. He checks out the Thailand hell, the Indian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the Singapore hell. You get tortured to death basically!

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and discovers a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circles around the lobby five times before receding off into the horizon. Ah Meng pushes his way through to the head of the line.

Amazed he asks “What do they do here?”

He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips your butt for the rest of the day.”

“But. but that’s the same as all the other hells! Why are there so many people waiting to get in?” Ah Meng protests pointing to the long queue.

“True, but because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Gormen servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen for teh-tarik.”

Ah Meng faints!!!

Fingerless

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 26, 2007 | No Comments

Jon’s working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Jon says, “I haven’t got the fingers.”

The doctor says, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? It’s 2006. We’ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”

Jon says, “Well, shit, Doc, I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

Most Embarrassing

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 25, 2007 | No Comments

I’m female 25 years old. My most embarrassing situation happened a few years ago when I was in college. My roomie had gone away for the weekend and I was alone. One evening, after drinking a little wine at a party I came back to my room and decided to masturbate. I locked my door, stripped naked, put on my earphones (blasting) and went to it with a vibrator!

What I didn’t know was that my roomie thought I was also going to be gone for the weekend, and gave her key to a friend in case the friend “got lucky”. I was in the middle of my “work-out”, my headset blasting, my eyes squeezed shut, when the door opened and a girl and a guy walked in!

They stood, frozen in shock while I lay writhing on the bed. I didn’t hear or see them! After what could only have been a few seconds, something made me open my eyes! I almost had a heart attack! They mumbled an apology and ran out! I seriously considered a transfer.

What is it?

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 24, 2007 | No Comments

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about.” “Ok, first it’s round, plumb and red.” Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically… the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. “A banana,” she says.. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.” Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!

Winner of Best Message for Answering Machine

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 23, 2007 | No Comments

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, a free trip or another credit card, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Drunk

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 22, 2007 | No Comments

A drunk gets up from the bar to take a leak. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!” “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

Sex vs Secs

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 21, 2007 | No Comments

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,

The little girl replied, “,Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”,

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