Blow Job Etiquette
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 11, 2007 | No Comments
A Woman’s Thoughts
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DO NOT have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- DO NOT push on the top of my head. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER okay to fart or fall asleep.
8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week”. Get it through your head! I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- Blue Balls might have worked on high school girls – if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my idol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule number two about gratitude.
13. No, your gravy DOES NOT particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content. Bitch, I’d rather eat some chicken. At least it TASTES good.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
*****
A Man’s thoughts(by a male)
1. First of all, yes you’re obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.
5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.
13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Picture Taking
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 10, 2007 | No Comments
Be Careful When you take picture.
True Story
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!
Husband Shopping Center
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 9, 2007 | No Comments
A “Husband Shopping Center” was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men for a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor: the door had a sign saying “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they go. Second floor says “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking” Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what’s further up?”.
Third floor: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” Wow, say the women! Very tempting, but, there’s more further up!? And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day.”
Porsche 911 Twin Turbo & Moped
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 8, 2007 | No Comments
A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.
That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”
The young man replies, “A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000.”
“That’s a lot of money,” replies the old man. “Why do they cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!” states the young man proudly.
The mo-ped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside?”
“Sure,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?” the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the mo-ped!
“Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a mo-ped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?”
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man groans and replies, “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please.”
Mommy . . . What is Courting?
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 7, 2007 | No Comments
One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about courting. Flustered, she replied, “Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That’s courting.”
The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. “Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn’t as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That’s when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn’t get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then rips off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend’s pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it’s head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy’s! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn’t on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?”
His mom fainted.
Insult
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 6, 2007 | No Comments
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of -ese are you?”
The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.”
The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you ?”Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yell, “What kind of -ese are you…Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc……”
The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am a Japanese.”
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ‘-key’ was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, “What do you mean what kind of ‘-key’ am I ?!”
The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee ?”
Lesson : Never insult anyone.
Son and Mom
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 5, 2007 | No Comments
Son : Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.
Robbed
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 4, 2007 | No Comments
Late one night, a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. “Help me! Help me!” she screamed. “I’m being robbed!”
“You ain’t being robbed…” her attacker interrupted. “You’re being raped!”
The woman looked at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. “If you’re planning on raping me with that,” she laughed, “then I am most definitely being robbed!”
Letter of Lovers
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 3, 2007 | No Comments
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed,
the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
13 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.
on TV Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Medical Claim
Joke of the Day Posted on | July 2, 2007 | No Comments
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse”. And charged them RM60.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280, Le Meridian charges RM230. We do it here for RM60, and I get that back from “Medical Claim”!”
About Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box