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Talking Clock

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 21, 2007 | No Comments

A man showing off his new flat to friends late at night was asked by one of them, “Why the big brass gong in the corner?”

“That’s my talking clock,” he replied, “I’ll show you how it works.” With that, he gave the gong an almighty whack with a golf club. Instantly, a voice from the next flat screamed, “Hey, shut up! It’s nearly midnight!”

Contributed By – Jorim Boh

Bill Gates in Hell

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 20, 2007 | No Comments

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t…”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Stunning Blond

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 19, 2007 | No Comments

A stunning blonde displayed her curves and sold a soft drink in a TV commercial. A wife looked at her stunning figure and said, “What do people see in her?”

The husband said, “I have no idea. Let me take a closer look!”

Wedding

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 18, 2007 | No Comments

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

How Deep?

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 17, 2007 | No Comments

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”

“I dunno,” said the second. “Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.

“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mine shaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.

“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”

“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”

Blessed Horse

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 16, 2007 | No Comments

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdrew his life’s savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie’s fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, “What happened to the last horse that you blessed? Why didn’t it win like the others?”

“That’s the trouble with you Free Thinker,” sighed the priest. “You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites.”

Brother or Sister

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 15, 2007 | No Comments

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through the park one day when johnny noticed 2 dogs humping… he asks his dad what they’re doing, to which his dad repies that they are making puppies.

That evening at home, Johnny is awoken by noises from his parents bedroom, so he goes to investigate. when he looks in, he sees his parents having sex, and asks what they’re doing…

To which his father replies they are making him a little brother or sister…

Johnny thinks a second and says “Well can you flip her over, ’cause I’d rather have a puppy!”

Yearly Appraisal – What The Words Really Mean

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 14, 2007 | No Comments

1) Outgoing personality – Always going out of the office
2) Great presentation skills – Able to bullshit
3) Good communication skills – Spends a lot of time on the phone
4) Work is first priority – Too ugly to get a date
5) Active socially – Drinks a lot
6) Independent worker – No one knows what you are doing
7) Quick thinking – Gives excuses on the go
8) Careful thinker – Will not make decisions
9) Uses logic on difficult jobs – Gets someone else to do it
10) Expresses themselves well – Speaks English
11) Meticulous attention to detail – A nit-picker
12) Has leadership qualities – Is tall or has a louder voice
13) Exceptionally good judgment – Has been very lucky
14) Keen sense of humor – Knows a lot of dirty jokes
15) Career minded – Back stabber
16) Loyal – Cannot get another job elsewhere
17) Plans for advancement/promotion – Buys drinks for all the boys
18) Of great value to the organization – Gets to work on time
19) Relaxed attitude – Sleeps on the desk

Positive

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 13, 2007 | No Comments

Man: Oh God, please help me! My life is so negative now. My son is a drug addict, my daughter is a prostitute and my wife is a gambler.

God: Is there anything positive in your life then?

Man: Yeah, I’m HIV positive!

Contributed By – Erisha Foo

Sister Mary

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 12, 2007 | No Comments

Sister Mary walks into the Mother Superiors office and confesses “I have been having sex with the new Minister at St. Jude, what shall I do for penance?”

The Mother Superior says “first you can suck a lemon”

“Oh” says Sister Mary “will that make me holy again?”

“No” says the Mother Superior “but it will take that contented smirk off of your face”

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