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Elderly Woman Portrait

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 31, 2007 | No Comments

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.”

The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.” “I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband,I’m sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery.”

Grandma

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 30, 2007 | No Comments

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

12 Ways to ‘suan’ a person ( Sarcastic )

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 29, 2007 | No Comments

1.Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

2.I’d like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

3.At least there’s one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as your face.

4.I like you. People say I’ve no taste, but I like you!

5.If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!

6.Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!

7.Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

8.Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!

9.He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

10.He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

11.I can’t seem to remember your name, and please don’t help me!

12.I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

Mailman

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 28, 2007 | No Comments

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the
boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, “Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?” “Of course, Son, we’re a family.” So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. “Hang on Dad!”, cries Mikey, “this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!”

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 27, 2007 | 3 Comments

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, “What can I do?”

The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I can not change the words.”

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

“Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.'”

And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.”

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.”

Men are like….

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 26, 2007 | No Comments

1. Men are like Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ….. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ….. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ….. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ….. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ….. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ….. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ….. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ….. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ….. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

A Period

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 25, 2007 | No Comments

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said,

“but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

Highway 3

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 24, 2007 | No Comments

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph.

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”

New Mercedes

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 23, 2007 | No Comments

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”

“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”

“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

A Sailor And A Pirate

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 22, 2007 | No Comments

One day in a tavern, a sailor and a pirate were comparing stories of their adventures. The pirate had a peg leg, one hook for a hand and an eye patch. The sailor asked about his peg leg. “I lost it in a shark attack,” the pirate said.

“What happened to your hand?”
“That I lost in a sword fight,” the pirate answered. And when he was asked about his patch, he explained a seagull dropping fell into his eye.

Astonished, the sailor said, “You mean to say that you lost your eye because of a seagull dropping?”

“Well,” the pirate replied, “it happened the first day I had the hook.”

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