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The Bar

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 20, 2007 | No Comments

There was this drunk guy at a bar talking to the bartender about how much he loves gambling,and that he never loses. Just then, this other guy walks in bragging that he can sit eyes closed with his back facing the bar, and name what kind and how old any beer or wine is that you give him.Only by taste and smell.The drunk who had been there before heard and thought to him self,”this would be an easy way to win some money” so he goes over to him and says,”I bet you that I can give you a drink that you can’t name.” “Your on.”, replied the bragger “as long as you pay.” “Deal!”So the gambler puts the first drink on the table.The guy closes his eyes picks up the drink and takes a sip and smells it thinks for a while and says, “imported white wine 3 years old.”Stunned the gambler pays for another drink and puts it on the table, the man picks it up sips it and smells then reply,”Jack Daniels 2 years old.”Stunned once more the gambler realizes that he is short on cash so he gets a glass and pisses in it and gives it to the guy. Again the guy picks up the glass and sips it, gags and spits it out.”this tastes like piss!”, the man says.” “Yeah”, says the other, “now guess how old I am!”

Innocent Look

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 19, 2007 | No Comments

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

Religious Boy

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 18, 2007 | No Comments

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.” The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Honeymoon Jitters

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 17, 2007 | No Comments

A couple is on their honeymoon. It’s the first time they have ever slept together. The new wife goes into the bathroom to prepare herself. She comes out of the bathroom looking really hot.

The new husband is lying on the bed. He looks up and says, “If you think I’m gonna stick my thing in there, your crazy!”

The wife replies,” But that’s what your supposed to do on your honeymoon night.”

“No way, I’m not gonna do it.”

The wife replies, “Why?”

“Because if I stick it in there, you’ll bite it off.”

The wife laughs and says, “Where did you hear such a thing?”

“My mother told me that women have teeth down there.”

“Oh honey, your mother just told you that because she didn’t want you to have pre-marital sex. It will be fine.”

To this the husband replied,” No way, my mother wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Okay then, let me show you there are no teeth.” She layed on the bed a spread her legs for her husband and said, “See. No teeth.”

To this the husband said, “Well no wonder you don’t have any teeth, look at the horrible shape your gums are in.”

Castration

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 16, 2007 | No Comments

Arthur goes to his doctor. ” Doc” he says, “I want to be castrated”.

The doctor stares at him in amazement – “What on earth for?” he asks.

“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and want to have it done,” replies Arthur.

“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor.

“It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back.
It will change your life forever!”

“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”

“Well, OK” says the doctor, “but it’s against my better judgment!”
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

“Hi there!”
says Arthur “it looks like you’ve just had the same operation as me”.

“Well” said the patient “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumcised”. Arthur stared at him in horror.

“Shit!!! THAT’S the word!!!”

Dog’s Life

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 15, 2007 | No Comments

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband’s complaint that he leads a dog’s life is probably well founded.
“He comes in the house with muddy feet,” she said, “tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.”

The Engineer & The Manager

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 14, 2007 | 1 Comment

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Children

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 13, 2007 | No Comments

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the Helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

“ME.”

Guess the Animal

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 12, 2007 | No Comments

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of
“Guess the Animal.” The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat.
“Okay boys and girls,” she said brightly, “can anyone tell me what this is?”

“I know, I know, it’s a cat!” yelled a little boy.

“Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?”

“That’s a dog!” piped up the same little boy.

“Right again. And what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said,
“I’ll give you a hint, children…it’s something your mother calls your father.”

“I know, I know,” screamed Eddie. “It’s a Nincompoop!”

Wishing Well

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 11, 2007 | No Comments

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled “It really works!”

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