Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

4 Year Old Girls

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 30, 2007 | No Comments

1) An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. ‘Be still, my heart,’ thought my friend, ‘my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!’ Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

2) A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

3) At the beginning of a children’s sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

Contributed By – Erisha Foo

Thumb Tacks

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 29, 2007 | No Comments

A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU. POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

Definition Of Sex

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 28, 2007 | No Comments

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.

Phua Chu Kang (PCK) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man PCK: It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped?

PCK: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menses?

PCK: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ?? Use your blain use your blainnn….

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.

PCK: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?

PCK: Use your blain, use your blainnnnn….Will you dig your nose in front of your class?Stupid!

S: Wah . . father you very good..

Short Jokes

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 27, 2007 | No Comments

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed I wrote your name in air, it was blown away, then I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too
If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn’t it rain on you?

Roses are red, violets are blue Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you.

Contributed By – Jorim Boh

Fairy Tales

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2007 | No Comments

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said “…And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'” Then the teacher asked the class “And what do you think that man said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said “I know! I know! He said ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Bleeding Nose?

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 25, 2007 | 1 Comment

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beer hall. One of them says, “You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick”. “How did You get it fixed?”

“Well I just dipped my finger in the cow’s vagina and rubbed it all over the bull’s nose and he got right up her”. Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow’s vagina and rubs it all around the bull’s nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and immediately gets it right up the cow.

Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can’t get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife’s vagina and feeling that it’s nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, “Honey look!”
She rolls over, turns on the light and says, “You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a Bleeding Nose?”

WHO’S THE BOSS?

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2007 | No Comments

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”

“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said. “In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”

“How did you do that?” asked Bill.

“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”

“What happened?”

“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”

“How did you do that?”

“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”

Funny Jokes

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 23, 2007 | No Comments

BOY : Since we met, I can’t eat or drink…
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I’m broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple..

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life…

1st MAN : I’m worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.
2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple??

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, “Oh god, are you still there?”

Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven’t finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it’s a sponge cake, isn’t it?

Man : I’m new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.

Resignation Letter

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 22, 2007 | 1 Comment

Hope you don’t have to use this.

Sample #1 Dear Sir/Madam :

I can’t believe I’ve spent the last three years of my life working for someone like you. You are unprofessional, boring, ugly and extremely dumb.. I think that you should take some vacation time so that your employees can actually have fun at work for a while. It’s amazing how much everyone hates you.

I was considering giving you two weeks, but after thinking about it some more I’ve decided that I’d rather sell oranges on the side of the highway before spending one more day working for you. Consider me officially resigned!

Sincerely, So & So…

Sample #2 Dear Sir/Madam :

You are an idiot, and I can prove it. First of all, you never realized my full potential. Second, you never even learned my name. And thirdly, you don’t even know how to turn your computer on without instructions. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor to have your head examined a.s.a.p. He should be able to confirm the fact that you have a giant piece of crap lodged between your ears instead of a brain. Once you’ve done that, you should probably also check your boots for stain marks from all of the employees you kicked over the years. So, in other words, Sir/Madam, I resign from this crappy job. Good luck ruining other people’s lives, I’m outta here.

Sincerely, So & So…

Politics Explained

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 21, 2007 | No Comments

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

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