Bitten By Rattlesnake
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 11, 2007 | No Comments
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
Gynecologist
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 10, 2007 | No Comments
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.
He’d always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he’d become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. Our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results. The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise — he got 150%. He quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark.
The instructor said, “No, that’s right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine — a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it — a fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.”
Girl and Boy
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 9, 2007 | No Comments
Girl : When we get married,I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It’s very kind of you,darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.
A Mother and Daughter
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 8, 2007 | No Comments
A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, “Mum, I’m worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!” Mother said, “Don’t worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here’s what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won’t even notice it.” So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn’t even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, every time the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, “Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!” Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, “Mum, I’m in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash
basin and ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I’m scared, mum.” Mother said, “Don’t worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!”
Solitary Confinement
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 7, 2007 | No Comments
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.
They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell.
He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”
Big Boys
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 6, 2007 | No Comments
An old man was walking down the street when he saw a small boy sitting on the curb crying. He stopped and asked, “Little boy, why are you crying?”
The little boy lifted his tear-stained face to the man and mumbled, “I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do.”
So the old man sat beside him and cried, too.
Swimming Lessons
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 5, 2007 | No Comments
A blonde is driving down a country road. She looks over to the right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle of a field, rowing.
The first blond can’t believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks, the madder she gets.
Finally she says: “You know, it’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. You’re just sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat rowing. That’s so stupid! If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your ass!”
Contributed By – Liane Chang
How old is your father
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 4, 2007 | No Comments
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
An Old Lady & a Song
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 3, 2007 | No Comments
There was this old woman who heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses.” She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, “Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses?”
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, “No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!”
So the woman asked, “Is this a record?”
To which the man replied, “No, its average!”
Cell Phone
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 2, 2007 | No Comments
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s Only $1,500! Can I buy it?”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like.”
“Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price… and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000 … “
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else… It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property.”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down payment.”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
“Bye. I love you too.”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand and calls out:
“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
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