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Guts or Balls

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 31, 2007 | No Comments

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Morris’s Wedding Night

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 30, 2007 | No Comments

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well where upon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Some what surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they’re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, “I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You’re a great lover Morris.”

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says,” I was here already?”

Look Familiar

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 29, 2007 | No Comments

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?” The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street.”

“No kidding?” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?”

“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ’66. How ’bout you?”

“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ’66, too.” “Where’d you go to college?”

“Beloit, in Wisconsin.”

“No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?”

“Kevin Sullivan dorm.”

“Sullivan? You’re not going to believe this . . .”

Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won’t believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn’t that amazing?”

Joe looks at them both and says, “Yeah, that’s just plain amazing.” A third man comes in and says, “Hey Joe. What’s new?” Joe says, “Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again.”

God Will Help Me

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2007 | No Comments

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her “That’s ok.” The woman says “Are you sure?” Jim says, “Yeah, I’m sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God “You told me you would take care of me!
What happened?”

God replied “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

CNN Interview

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2007 | No Comments

Note: This joke is not a religious discrimination towards any race or religion. Solely for entertainment.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion , she approached him for an interview.

“I’m from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a damn wall.”

Tupperware, Sealed in Freshness

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2007 | No Comments

True Story

I was pregnant and got a bad case of diarrhea. I suffered with it for three long days, until I finally decided to call my doctor. He made an appointment for me to see a specialist. I was told to bring in a stool sample. Well, being in the emotional state I was in, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to provide a sample of diarrhea.

Soooooo I did what seemed logical to me at the time: I took my very biggest Tupperware bowl and sat on it and did my business. I put the lid on the bowl, and brought the whole bowl to the doctor.

At the doctor’s office, I placed the bowl on his desk. If you could have seen the look on the doctor’s face! I wish I would have had a camera with me. The doctor took my “sample” to the lab to analyze it, and when he returned he asked me if it was always that “potent.” That was the moment when I started to get embarrassed. I could have just crawled in a corner right then and there!

A nurse rinsed out my bowl and handed it back to me. I turned around and put it in the trash. And moral of the story? Tupperware really does seal in the freshness! Every time I think about this story, I get embarrassed all over again. I can’t believe that I did what I did! Instead of a tiny little sample, I brought them a big bowl full of sealed in freshness!

Vacuum

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2007 | No Comments

True Story

I live alone, one day I tried to vacuum and it didn’t pick up so well – I turned it up side down,(it was an upright type vacuum).All I was wearing was cut off shorts – daze duke type like women wear – with the strings hanging down as they do.

I thought I turn it on from that upright position,to see if everything worked right, using my foot to hit on switch. It turned on, pulling those strings into the beater bar – ALONG WITH MY PENIS!!…It started to really hurt at this point,lost my balance,couldn’t reach the switch…turning pale now, I remembered I talked to my neighbor last so redial her was the plan, I told her “come fast I’m hurt”.

As she was trying to untangle me,she told me to undo my pants, I told her I had no underwear on, but she is a nurse so it wasn’t a concern for her – off they came.

Just as I was about to sit down on chair before I passed out, in the door comes my girlfriend, hears only her voice, and sees me sitting naked on edge of chair!!Needless to say to this day she doesn’t believe me..

This is true..God I wish it wasn’t

Christmas

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2007 | No Comments

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

Big Man in a Small Town

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2007 | No Comments

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

Nurse Nancy

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2007 | No Comments

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

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