Casino Evil
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 10, 2007 | No Comments
At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?”
The dealer replies, “When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?”
“Yes,” the gambler concedes.
“Well then, he serves you food; whether it’s good or bad isn’t up to him. By the same token, I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.”
“OK,” says the gambler, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an 8.”
Cow Milking
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 9, 2007 | No Comments
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm…
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..
Second Opinion
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 8, 2007 | No Comments
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
“What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”
“I was in bed.”
“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Dogged Out
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 7, 2007 | No Comments
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four-week-old puppy.”
“Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?”
“It appears that he choked on it, sir.”
Office Lingo…
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 6, 2007 | No Comments
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Management
Fainted
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 5, 2007 | No Comments
It was a very hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,
“When you get to the part about calling a doctor,I’m already here.”
Scared Straight
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 4, 2007 | No Comments
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird’s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music… anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior”.
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird’s attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the Chicken did?”
Treasury Building
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 3, 2007 | No Comments
This is a true story, it happened to a guy who worked as a staff, on the 40th floor of the Treasury Building in Shenton Way. On that day Thursday night, he worked overtime and was forced to go home alone around 11:00 in the evening….No one was inside the building, aside from the night patrol and it was quite dark on that floor. He went to the elevator and pressed the down button, then the door opened without anyone inside….he went in and then, pressed “G” for ground floor.
Unknowingly why, the elevator went up. He tried to press the down button again but it continued to go up.When it reached the 59th floor,the elevator stopped! The door opened, and then, a woman who was mysteriously so beautiful, with long black hair and white dress, smiled sweetly at him and entered the elevator. The guy was wondering who she was, since he never saw her ever since he worked in that building. He was asking himself…who is she, and why haven’t she gone home yet when it was nearly midnight, it’s not safe for a lady to be alone late in the evening.
He wanted to ask her but since he was shy, he just kept silent. In the silence, the elevator went down slowly from one floor to another… 48… 47…. 46…… 35… 34….. 29…… when suddenly…on the 13th floor, the lights in the elevator went off and the elevator suddenly stopped. It was pitch darkness…he pressed the emergency button…waited…but nothing happened. Suddenly, he smelled a very foul
odor of something rotten… goose pimples went all over his skin…his
heart beat faster,cold sweat broke out his brows, he could not breathe, ….and so, he began to say a prayer and tried to calm himself, breathe normally….while moving backwards slowly. Then, the lights came on. Suddenly, the woman who was behind him gave an eerie laugh…. and said…………………………….
Sorry I just Fart.
Stamps
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 2, 2007 | No Comments
I carry everything in my purse from stamps to tissues. Well I was going to the gynecologist one day and I had to go to the bathroom for a pee.
So before my appointment I went to the washroom, I did my business and then realized that there was no toilet paper in the bathroom. Being the resourceful woman I am, I reached into my purse and got a tissue and wiped myself.
Well, when I was being examined by the gyn, he started to laugh. I got a little offended and asked him what the hell was so funny. He just looked at me trying to keep a straight face and pulled a stamp out of my crotch!
I guess what had happened was a stamp was stuck to the tissue I wiped myself with in the bathroom. I was embarrassed, but I still thought it was funny. From then on I kept my stamps and tissues separate to avoid this situation if it ever came up again.
Cabbie
Joke of the Day Posted on | April 1, 2007 | No Comments
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered.
“Union Station,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?”
“Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does *THIS* answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”
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