Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Highway Patrol Ball

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 20, 2007 | No Comments

I wonder if this one is true?

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball..”

He replied, “Highway Patrolman don’t have balls.”

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

General

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 19, 2007 | No Comments

True Story

It was a hot summer evening, and my wife and I were preparing to join friends at my wife’s friend Jane’s house.

My wife took a bath and decided to try one of her new body lotions. She always smells terrific. She dressed in a knee length light summer dress. Looked great! My wife never wears underwear.

Off we went to Jane’s house. Got there just as the sun was going down. We had drinks and food, and we were having a good time. Until Jane called her boyfriend’s dog General to come into the house. Instantly General was attracted to my wife. He kept trying to put his head up her skirt. I guess the General liked what he smelled.

She became so embarrassed! She kept try to push him away. Before Jane could get to him to take him outside, he had a huge hard on. Everyone laughed, except my wife. And to this day, every time that Jane calls her up, she ends the call by saying “And General misses you, too!” Needless to say we don’t visit Jane much anymore.

Answering Machine

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 18, 2007 | No Comments

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner.

Hi. Now YOU say something.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.

Sense Of Humor

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 17, 2007 | No Comments

A wife asked her husband:
“What do you like most in me – my pretty face or my sexy body?”

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
“I like your sense of humor.”

Born with Bullets

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 16, 2007 | No Comments

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says “Mommy, I’ve done a very weird thing!”

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, “I passed a bullet into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!” The mother says, “Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, “Yes, how did you know?”

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

“You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?”

“No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog.”

Sweetheart

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 15, 2007 | No Comments

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I as there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

How To Annoy Telemarketers

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 14, 2007 | 2 Comments

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they maried?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male:
Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company…” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise,”Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder…louder…

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Three Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 13, 2007 | No Comments

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give each of you each one wish. That’s three wishes total,” says the genie.

The Canadian says, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”

With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

“Uncle Sam” (A former civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out – it’s virtually impenetrable.”

Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”

Gymnast

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 12, 2007 | No Comments

I’m a gymnast. Recently, after winning the all around at this local competition, I was asked to pose with my trophy for a picture in the newspaper. I got the trophy, kneeled down and proudly held the huge trophy in my hands.

The photographer, then said, “Uh, before we take the picture, you might wanna put junior back in the house!”

You see, my weener was hanging out of my shorts.

Gynaecologist

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 11, 2007 | No Comments

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: “Do you know what I`m doing ?”

“Yes,” she says, “you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“Correct,” says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I`m doing now”, he says.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“That`s right,” replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. “Do you know,” he pants “what I`m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You`re getting herpes.”

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