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3 Guys in Heaven

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 30, 2007 | No Comments

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?” The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.

They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”

The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

Contributed By – Chew Si Hui

Qualifying for Heaven

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 29, 2007 | No Comments

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Contributed By – Chew Si Hui

Period

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 28, 2007 | No Comments

A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, “I’ll find some drunk. He won’t even notice anything.”

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to get out of bed he sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, “Oh my God! I killed her! I killed her!!!…”. As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second n then screams, “Oh my God!!! And I ate her too!!!….”.

Overturned Wagon

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 27, 2007 | No Comments

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon,” replied Willis.

Icing

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 26, 2007 | No Comments

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, “Mummy what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies, “Ummm they are making cakes.”

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night.”

Shocked, the Mother says, “how do you know?”

The little girl replies, “I licked the icing off the sofa.”

You’ll get us both fired…..

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 25, 2007 | No Comments

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help, Help me!’, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?’

Lawyer

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 24, 2007 | No Comments

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”

The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”

Telephone Poles

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 23, 2007 | No Comments

A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.

The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven.

The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, “Not bad.” Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. Two was the reply.

“Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!” The foreman exclaimed angrily.

“Yeah,” the leader answered, “But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!”

5Cs + 5Ks

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 22, 2007 | No Comments

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 ‘C’s?
Car, Condo,Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career

The latest is 5 ‘K’s …
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)

We’ve been reading about the 5 C’s and 5 K’s for Singaporeans, Now comes the 5 Numerals and Malaysia’s equivalent…

Singapore’s “practice” for Simple Living :
1 – One Wife
2 – Two Children
3 – Three Bedroom Condo
4 – Four Wheels
5 – Five Figure Salary

That’s why “Singapore is solid” !
Malaysia is in such a bad shape because…….
Malaysia’s “practice” to Simple Living :

5 – Five Children
4 – Four Wives
3 – Three Figure Salary
2 – Two Wheels
1 – One-Storey Link House…

Conceiving

Joke of the Day Posted on | April 21, 2007 | No Comments

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she’s still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there’s still no result, and another month later she’s back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, “We’re so happy doctor, we’re finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren’t that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus.”

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