Weather Forecast
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 11, 2007 | No Comments
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Jeez, OK.”
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Jeez, OK.”
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?” Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage.”
My Brother-In-Law
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 10, 2007 | No Comments
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Cuckoo Clock
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 9, 2007 | No Comments
At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.
He was very proud of himself.
The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Crap!,’ cuckooed one more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”
Officer Mary
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 8, 2007 | No Comments
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”
George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”
It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth.
Three Nuns
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 7, 2007 | No Comments
Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun says, “I was going through the Father’s office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 6, 2007 | No Comments
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower-father died, Charlie decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles’ bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
“I’m just an ordinary man,” he said, walking up to her, “but in just a week or two, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
The woman went home with Charlie. The next day she became his stepmother.
Slim and Trim
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 5, 2007 | No Comments
“Swimming” said the boy to his cousin ” is the best exercise. It can keep everyone slim and trim.”
“You think so??” mumble the cousin. “Then how come I’ve never seen a skinny whale?”
A Honeymoon Couple
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 4, 2007 | No Comments
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”
Womanhood vs Brotherhood
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 3, 2007 | No Comments
So-called friendship among women :
A woman did not come home at night.
The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend’s house. The man calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them says they know about it.
Real brotherhood among men :
A man did not come home at night.
The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend’s house. The woman calls her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them say that he did sleep over at their place and 2 claim that he’s still there.
River in Zambian
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 2, 2007 | No Comments
When my friend and I went for a swim near the mouth of the Zambezi River in Zambian, I asked a young boy,who was fishing nearby, whether there were sharks in the water.
“No.” He answered My friend and I jumped into the water and started swimming. After several minutes, I called out the boy, “Are you sure there are no sharks here?” “No sharks.” He replied. “Sharks are afraid of crocodiles.”
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