The Dying Irish Nun
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 21, 2007 | No Comments
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
When she walked back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
Contributed By – Chew Si Hui
Attitude
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 20, 2007 | No Comments
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
Sex Drive
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 19, 2007 | No Comments
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man’s sex drive.
“What about trying Viagra ?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance, ” says Mrs Murphy. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.”
“No problem,” replies the doctor, “drop it into his coffee, he won’t even taste it.”
A week later, Mrs Murphy visits the doctor and he inquiries as to how things went.
“Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.
“What happened ?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee while we were having breakfast. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”
“What’s terrible ?” asked the doctor, “was the sex not good ?”
“Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Old Rooster
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 18, 2007 | No Comments
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. So he buys a new *@#* from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he’s a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.” Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” he said, “and since I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy!”
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little — but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. “Damn. That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”
The Cruise
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 17, 2007 | No Comments
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says
the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.
The guy says he’ll take it.
He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.
The guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if having sex makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 16, 2007 | 1 Comment
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat
it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is “new and improved!”…Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?
Black Eye
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 15, 2007 | No Comments
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her ass. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”
“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with another black eye. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”
“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her ass. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!
Compliments – Good and Bad
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 14, 2007 | No Comments
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.
“Suzy wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!”
“Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand.”
About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.
“Shit, man! What happened to you?!” his buddy asked.
“I took your advice.”
“Didn’t you compliment her?”
“Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too.”
“It sounds like you were doing great,” his friend said.
“Well,” the other answered, “that’s when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment.”
“What did you say?”
“For such a large crack, it doesn’t stink much.”
An American Tourist
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 13, 2007 | No Comments
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn’t find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I gotta go, man,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t go here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “whiz away.”
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. “Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”
Gross Me Out
Joke of the Day Posted on | March 12, 2007 | No Comments
A True Story
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Mom, look at this,” and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, “Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said,” What’s wrong honey?”
“Mommy, where’s my booger?”
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