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Why is air a lot like sex?

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 31, 2007 | No Comments

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

H To O

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 30, 2007 | No Comments

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: H I J K L M N O!!

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

Contributed By – Liane Chang

80% of Malaysians going to UK to study law?

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 29, 2007 | No Comments

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I’m here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, I’ve been here for a good twenty years, and I’d say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they’re here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That’s really something I never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I’ll bet he’s here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr…
(Lor is a chinese dialect accent, a casual way or expression which carries a sense of resignation.)

Harassment

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 28, 2007 | No Comments

Teacher: Johnny, Use “harassment” in a sentence..
Johnny: Her mouth said ‘no’, but her ass meant ‘yes’.

Heaven

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 27, 2007 | No Comments

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.” The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up.

“Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this.” “Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”

Chin-Chin The Panda

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 26, 2007 | No Comments

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin’s lawyer and proclaimed, “Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client …”

“Wait a second, your honor,” said the lawyer, “My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn’t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word ‘panda’ in the dictionary, you’ll have no choice but to agree.”

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; “PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves.”

Caught

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 25, 2007 | No Comments

When I was 18, my mom & grandma (whom I lived with) went away for the afternoon and my boyfriend and I decided to have sex.

Everything was going good until I heard “What’s going on???” Turns out my grandma had come home early and walked in on me having sex.

Embarrassing? Yes. But, what makes it even more embarrassing is that she demanded to see what we were wearing – which was nothing. We refused to show her and she ripped him out of my bed and showed him out the door.

I heard, “So has grandma caught you having sex lately?” for about 5 years after that.

Swiss Tourist

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 24, 2007 | No Comments

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Drunk

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 23, 2007 | No Comments

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter, and who had watched the whole incident), walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?” The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

Deaf Genie

Joke of the Day Posted on | March 22, 2007 | No Comments

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? “

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