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Joke of the Day For Everybody

Turner Brown

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 18, 2007 | No Comments

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”

Earth Rotated 30 Times Faster

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 17, 2007 | No Comments

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death…

Deer

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 16, 2007 | 1 Comment

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat it if they know what it is – so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “What’s for supper?” “You’ll see”, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they’re eating.
“Ok,” says her dad, “here’s a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me.” “We’re eating asshole!!”

Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 15, 2007 | No Comments

Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime
Wife replies,” No, It means , With Idiot For Ever !!!”

Blow Job

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 14, 2007 | No Comments

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table.

She then started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving? “She answered by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!” Then she said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money! “Then she said, “And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with but you said we couldn’t afford?” Once more she answered saying, “Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here!”
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Well here it comes….”

What a Guy Really Means When He Says…

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 13, 2007 | No Comments

What a Guy Really Means When He Says…

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means… “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means… “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means… “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means… “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means… “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means… “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means… “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means… “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means… “I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means… “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means… “I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means… “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?”
Really means… “What did you catch me doing?”

“I heard you.”
Really means… “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and I’m hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next days yelling at me.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means… “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I missed you.”
Really means… “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means… “I’m lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means… “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

Car Accident

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 12, 2007 | No Comments

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Good Girl

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 11, 2007 | 1 Comment

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”

“Which is …?” they replied in unison.
“Have you been a good girl?” he asked the first girl.
“Oh yes”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St.Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the golden key.”
“Have you been a good girl?” he asked the second girl.
“Oh,quite good” she said. “I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.”
“Very good”, said St.Peter. “Angel, give this girl… the silver key.”
“Have you been a good girl?” he asked the third girl.
“Oh no, not at all”, she said. “I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”
“Very good”, said St.Peter. “Angel, give this girl……. my room key.”

A Game Warden

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 10, 2007 | No Comments

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to “enforce the laws pending.” He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?”

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?”

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?”

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, “This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?”

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, “You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?”

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said “You’re so smart, you tell me!

Terrorist

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 9, 2007 | No Comments

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

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