Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Wife vs Husband

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 28, 2007 | No Comments

Wife : You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something.
It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

ASSUME

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 27, 2007 | No Comments

My lecturer taught me never, never, never to ASSUME. Because it makes an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME”.

Baby

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 26, 2007 | No Comments

John went to his friend’s house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, “You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby.”

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. “Hi,” he said, “who are you?”

“I’m Baby, and who are you?”

“I’m stupid,” he said

Freudian Slip

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 25, 2007 | No Comments

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. “Well” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?”

“No,” said the other priest.

“Well” said the first priest, “it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time.”

“Oh,” said the second priest, “so, what happened?”

“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first priest.

“Yes?” said the second priest. “Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, “I now sentence you to death.”

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT …

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 24, 2007 | No Comments

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START” …………

Contributed By – Liane Chang

A Man Was Complaining To God………….

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 23, 2007 | No Comments

Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so very hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish “Please, switch me into my wife. She’s got it easy at home and I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man’s life is!”

As God was listening he felt sorry for this poor soul and granted his wish.

Next morning the “new woman” wakes up at dawn……….
1) and takes a quick shower and other quick grooming,
2) makes coffee for self and spouse,
3) feeds the cat,
4) makes lunch boxes,
5) prepares breakfast for four,
6) wakes up the kids for school,
7) prepares clothes for the littlest one,
8) puts a load of clothes in the washer
9) takes the meat out of the freezer
10) drives the kids to school,
11) on his way back, stops at the gas station for a fill-up,
12) cashes a check at the local bank,
13) stops by to pay the electricity and phone bills,
14) picks up some clothes from the cleaners,
15) quickly goes to the grocery store for this week’s essentials,
16) And on the last leg home, stops at the post office to pick up a package.

By the time he gets home, it’s 1:00 PM already, so…………..

17) he makes the beds,
18) takes the clothes out of the washer into the dryer and puts another load in to wash,
19) folds and puts away the clothes that don’t need ironing,
20) he vacuums the house,
21) boils some rice for his late lunch,
22) goes to pick up the kids from school and argues with them while driving

As soon as he gets home………..
23) he feeds the kids a snack,
24) puts the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and starts the machine,
25) he takes out second load of damp clothes to put into the dryer,
26) he helps the kids with their homework,
27) finally, he feeds the dog,
28) watches some TV while he irons some clothes from the first load,
29) prepares and serves dinner,
30) empties the dishwasher to load some more,
31) cleans the stovetop and puts away leftovers,
32) prepares the trash to be taken out,
33) he gives the littlest kid a bath,
34) And reads them each a story to put them to sleep.

By 9:00 PM he was so tired…………
35) and he brushes his teeth and prepares for bed,
36) reads the mail and quickly looks at the newspaper,
37) briefly discusses with spouse the day’s activities,
38) And despite the exhaustion, he manages to make love, and then finally
falls asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again:
“Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can’t take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please!”

Then he heard God’s voice speaking to him, saying:
“Dear son, of course I’ll switch you back into yourself now that you are wiser, but there’s one minor detail, ……………….
you will have to wait nine months because last night you got pregnant.”

Chinese Switchboard

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 22, 2007 | No Comments

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I’m Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Before And After Wedding

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 21, 2007 | No Comments

Before Wedding- Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I’m stuck with you.
After Wedding- Roses are dead, I am blue You get on my head, I will sue you.

Before Wedding- Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La.
After Wedding- Where you want to go, he says hawker centre lah.

Before Wedding- She enjoys his looks.
After Wedding- She enjoys his cheque book.

Before Wedding- She looks like Ling Qing Xia.
After Wedding- She looks like Shen Dian Xia.

Before Wedding- Weekends at Cameron, Genting & Fraser Hill.
After Wedding- Furthest you go is Bukit Timah Hill.

Before Wedding- He opens the car door.
After Wedding- He opens his mouth & snores.

Before Wedding- She was your ideal.
After Wedding- She becomes your ordeal !

Business Most Vulnerable to Credit Card Fraud

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 20, 2007 | No Comments

Adult and instant entertainment sites are so susceptible. Adult sites get a high rate of chargebacks from participants who claim to their wives when the statement comes that they never signed up for the service, that it must have been some big mistake.

Kiss

Joke of the Day Posted on | February 19, 2007 | No Comments

There was a boy, whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day, he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his Mother and asked her what they were doing.

His Mother told him. “It’s called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will turn to stone that very minute!”

On his 21st Birthday, he went out with some friends, who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.

When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, “What are you afraid of? It won’t hurt.” He replied, “My Mother said if I kiss a girl, I’ll die that very minute!” She replied, “Don’t be a baby, now come on kiss me.” With that she gave him a hot kiss, square across the lips. He began to cry, “Oh no I’m going to die.” She asked, “Why are you going to die?” He replied, “I’ve just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!”

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