Jimmy Duncan
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 11, 2007 | No Comments
The Father, passing through his son’s college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window.
“Whaddya want?”
“Does Jimmy Duncan live here?” asked the father.
“Yeah!” replied the voice. “Dump him on the front porch and we’ll take care of him in the morning.”
Fireman Bill
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 10, 2007 | No Comments
I am retired police officer. The most embarrassing moment of my life happened when I was still on the force.
On the weekends, during the early morning day shift, things were always very slow. It was customary for several of the local cops to get together at a local donat shop (where else?) and consume vast amounts of coffee.
One such morning I had had about 5 cups of the brew at the donut store, before I drove to my beat. As you can imagine, I had a call of nature. And it was urgent!
Unfortunately there were no bathrooms nearby, just a closed portion of a freeway that had been under construction for the last 10 years. The location was fairly secluded, out of public view.
There was an opened portion of a full eight-lane freeway overhead. The two opposing sides of that freeway were separated by a large open area, approximately 20 feet wide and 100 feet high. It was impossible for anyone driving up there on the freeway to see anyone down below, so I felt I had the privacy I needed to do “my business.”
I parked my patrol car in the area below the opening, and with great haste I answered the call of nature. I used to take great delight in pretending that a certain part of my anatomy was a “fire hose.” And while I was standind there, relieving myself, I was proud to see I could spray my “hose” a great distance. I was even making sounds, pretending to be a fire truck.
When I was finished, I zipped up and began to walk to my car. I heard a voice yelling: “Officer! Officer!”
I looked around, but couldn’t see anyone in the immediate vicinity. I was puzzled. Again I heard the voice: “Officer! Officer!”
I kept looking around… nobody there. Then I glanced upward, and saw a young man and his attractive wife standing in the center of the divider portion of the open freeway overhead. They were looking down at me, waving!
The man yelled: “Officer, we ran out of gas. Could you use your radio and send us a tow truck?”
With all the dignity I could muster, I inquired if they needed regular or unleaded gas. I noticed that the wife had a very amused grin on her face. I realized that they had been watching me the whole time while I had been doing my “fire hose” routine! Not wanting to disturb me, they had patiently waited until I had finished playing fireman.
Normally there was no way to see me down here from inside a passing car up there, but after running out of gas, these people had leaned over the little wall of the center divider and looked down for help.
It was a one in a million chance that they had run out of gas at this location and I was down below playing Fireman Bill!
I was so humiliated! Good thing they weren’t any closer or they could have seen that my face was about the same shade red as a fire truck. Oh well, it could have been worse. It could have been a bus load of Nuns.
Needless to say, I never played “Fireman Bill” again in this location.
Flying in Seattle
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 9, 2007 | No Comments
A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.
“Excuse me!” he yells.
“Where am I?” “You’re in a helicopter,” she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.
“That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from her answer where you were?”
“Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.
So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support.”
Asleep At Church
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 8, 2007 | No Comments
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
“Amen,” replied the congregation.
Bad Accident
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 7, 2007 | No Comments
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!” The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune
“Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”
Dumber
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 6, 2007 | No Comments
A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that many of the ladies had breasts larger than his mother’s, so he told his mother just that. She told her son, “The bigger they are, the dumber the person is.” The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the beach but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “things” than his dad does. His mother replied, “The bigger they are, the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy return to the beach to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother that, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!”
Speeding
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 5, 2007 | No Comments
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I as speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.
“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch *all* the fish?”
Blonde
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 4, 2007 | No Comments
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”
On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.” The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?”
The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket.”
Watch
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 3, 2007 | No Comments
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Little Johnny.
“Nope.” replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”. Again
Jimmy says “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” asks Little Johnny.
“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open
and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily.
“What do you want now?” “I wanna WATCH,” Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”
Killer Whale
Joke of the Day Posted on | January 2, 2007 | No Comments
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later the onlookers saw a killer whale rise to the water surface with it’s mouth wide open and eat both of them.
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