Coast Is Clear
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 31, 2006 by Author @ 9:30 PM
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 AM, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
Handcuffs
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 30, 2006 by Author @ 4:45 PM
While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?""I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says,
"Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day."
Feel Like A Woman
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, December 29, 2006 by Author @ 7:17 PM
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat.As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
Brian
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, December 28, 2006 by Author @ 10:27 PM
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom, and I"m St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.you've got to send me back Straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit in the bed"
Wooden Leg
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, December 27, 2006 by Author @ 6:45 PM
A man and woman meet in a bar and start to dance. She comments on how the man is a wonderful dancer.He says, not bad for a man with a wooden leg, eh? She says, yeah right, you don't have a wooden leg. Well watch. So he unscrewed his leg and proved it to her. Later, dropping her off at home he kisses her and she say's my you embrace me divinely.
He says not bad for a man with a wooden arm, huh? They go inside and play cards with her parents.
She say's, my you play a wonderful game of cards. He say's not bad for a guy with a wooden head eh? She say's you don't have a wooden head. He say's come into the next room and I'll show you.
The parents waited quite a while but finally look and sure enough he was screwing his head off.
Future Disappointment
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, December 26, 2006 by Author @ 7:03 PM
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you."
"One, you have not studied your lesson."
"Two, you have a dirty mind."
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Difference
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 25, 2006 by Author @ 11:22 PM
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
Comb
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 11:20 PM
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."
Teacher : "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
Two Campers
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 24, 2006 by Author @ 10:04 PM
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."State Capitals
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 23, 2006 by Author @ 6:35 PM
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.
Blood Test
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, December 22, 2006 by Author @ 5:41 PM
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No, During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."
Lawyer
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, December 21, 2006 by Author @ 6:47 PM
A guy walks into a post office at AMK one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why leh?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
Contributed By - Ling
Condom
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 by Author @ 11:43 PM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Contributed By - Ling
Monkey
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 by Author @ 7:38 PM
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Contributed By - Ling
A Young Wife
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 18, 2006 by Author @ 7:27 PM
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey,you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door,hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,"Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."
Contributed By - Ling
Funeral
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 17, 2006 by Author @ 2:48 PM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman's husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f*cking wall!"
Contributed By - Ling
Human Resources Manager
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, December 16, 2006 by Author @ 7:22 PM
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in Heavenwhere she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human
Resources Manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No worries, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in a
lift and it went down-down-down to Hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and in front of her were all her fellow executive friends that she had worked with, and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the lift.
The lift went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity".
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I would say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I had a better time in Hell."So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw that her friends were dressed in rags and picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
The moral of this story:
Never believe what you see in the company or what they promised you.
It turns out to be sh*t always.
Contribute By - Ling
Homeless Man
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, December 15, 2006 by Author @ 6:44 PM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked. "Are you NUTS!"
replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.
Contributed By - Ling
Cosmetic Surgeon
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, December 14, 2006 by Author @ 6:35 PM
And so there was this cosmetic surgeon who was sitting in his consultation room chatting to his friend.In the middle of a conversation, a gorgeous female walked into the room and kissed the surgeon and said:
"Thank you so much! You have done wonder to my body and look. I was an ugly duckling before that and now I looked like a princess."
When the gorgeous lady left the room, the surgeon's friend asked: "Wow, who was that? You have certainly done a good job."
The surgeon replied: "Oh, that was my mum." and they carried on with their conversation.
A moment later, another lady walked into his room. This lady was even more gorgeous than the first one and she too came round and kissed the surgeon:
"Thank you so much! You have really made me look 20 years younger. Those face lift and liposuction have certainly worked wonder to my look. How can I
ever thank you!"
As the lady left the room, his friend asked again: "Bloody hell. who was that? she sure looks like a supermodel. I am really impressed with your surgery skills now." The surgeon replied: "Oh, that was just my wife."
They then carried on with their normal conversation. Then suddenly a third lady walked into the room. This lady has a perfect body and the look was so beautiful it was beyond this world. She was even more gorgeous than the first two ladies. She stormed towards the surgeon and gave him a big slap, yelling: "You bastard. Look at what you have done to my body! You have ruined my life!! I hope you will die in hell."
As the lady stormed away, the surgeon's friend turned round to him with a puzzled look. The surgeon shook his head and responded: "Let's not talk about it.....that was my father."
Contributed By - Ling
Words
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, December 13, 2006 by Author @ 7:23 PM
WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON'T USE IT CORRECTLYAh Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's long sari. He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph"
He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.
He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition.
Ah Seng explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.
The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. "Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?"
The Owner asked, "Why?"
Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.
Contributed By - Ling
A Mini and a Mercedes
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, December 12, 2006 by Author @ 6:40 PM
A Mini and a Mercedes are parked beside each other at the supermarket. TheMini owner shouts across to the driver of the Merc.
"Do you have a telephone in there?"
The Merc owner replies: "Of course!"
"What about a fax machine?"asks the Mini owner.
"Naturally," comes the condescending reply.
"Bet you don't have a double bed in there?" says the Mini owner.
"Well,no, I don't" replies the annoyed Merc owner.
Upon hearing this, the Mini owner flashes the Merc owner a patronising wink and speeds off. Livid at being outdone by a Mini, he heads for his local garage and has a folding King sized bed installed in his back seat.
A week later the Merc owner returns to the supermarket to find the same Mini, parked at the same spot. He notices the windows of the Mini all steamed up and the car rocking back and forth. Convinced that this would be his one and only chance to show up the Mini owner, he knocks on the window.
The Mini owner sticks his head out: "Can I help you?"
The Merc owner proudly announces: "I have a folding King sized bed in my car!"
To which the Mini owner replies: "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!!"
Contributed By - Ling
Silence
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, December 11, 2006 by Author @ 6:59 PM
Life on board an aircraft carrier is noisy, with jets, mechanical equipment and the dull roar of blowers circulating air. One night the ship had a massive power failure, and our berthing compartment became abruptly quiet.Everyone woke up with a start. One half asleep seaman shouted, "What the heck was that!"
From across the dark room came a voice, "That was silence, you idiot!"
Contributed By - Ling
Santa
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:39 PM
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," Send me a brother please."Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother."
Contributed By - Ling
Stiletto Heeled Shoe
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, December 10, 2006 by Author @ 7:56 PM
One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat.Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.
The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.
"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"
Contributed By - Ling