Robbery
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 by Author @ 7:15 PM
In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.
Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Married Young Couple
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 30, 2006 by Author @ 7:41 PM
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
Radio Interview
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, October 29, 2006 by Author @ 6:03 PM
This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ?
Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse ! Radio Silence............Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Big-Game Hunter
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, October 28, 2006 by Author @ 10:08 PM
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he anounced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought another skin. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"
Blow Job
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, October 27, 2006 by Author @ 7:01 PM
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme a triple!"So the bartender pours him up a triple and slides it down the bar. The man slams it back.
"Bartender, gimme another!" He bellows, the bartender pours it up, and slides it down the bar. The man slams it back again.
"Bartender, one more!" So the bartender pours it up, and slides it down again. The man slams it back.
"What are you celibrating buddy?"
"My first blowjob", the bartender looks surprised and says "Wow, here have another on the house!"
The man looks up at him and says "Naw, if three dont get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"
A Helping Hand
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, October 26, 2006 by Author @ 6:55 PM
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
Natchitoches
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 25, 2006 by Author @ 7:40 PM
Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly." The blonde leaned over and said "Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg."Saxophone
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 24, 2006 by Author @ 7:44 PM
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman."No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
White Hairs
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 23, 2006 by Author @ 9:55 PM
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white, Mommy?"The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... "Mommy, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?
Last Bowl
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, October 22, 2006 by Author @ 9:32 PM
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."
Olympic Diving Champion
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, October 21, 2006 by Author @ 5:23 PM
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool!
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."
High Birth Rate
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, October 20, 2006 by Author @ 5:12 PM
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, got squared away, and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."Blood Test
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, October 19, 2006 by Author @ 9:26 PM
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test!
Group Picture
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 18, 2006 by Author @ 9:17 PM
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or That's David, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher.....she's dead."
BMW
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 by Author @ 7:35 PM
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."RENT FOR APARTMENT
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, October 16, 2006 by Author @ 9:49 PM
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did.Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all,
(1) I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
(2) As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
(3) Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
FARMER BROWN GETS A LEG UP
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, October 15, 2006 by Author @ 11:38 AM
"How'd you do it?" the doctor asked as he was setting farmer Joe Brown's broken leg."Well Doc," said farmer Brown, "It's like this. Twenty-five years ago ..."
"Never mind what happened twenty-five years ago, Joe," interrupted the doctor, "How did you break your leg this morning?"
"Like I was sayin', Doc, it was twenty-five years ago, and I was hired for doin' chores at Ol' Man Hanley's place. I finished my work, and as I'm gettin' into bed, his daughter comes in, asks if everything's alright. I said, yup, everything's fine. She said, 'Is there anything I can do for you?' I said, no, I reckon I'm fine. She asked me, 'Are you sure there ain't nothin' I can do for you?' I said 'Well, I reckon not.' And she left."
"Joe, that's a good story," said the doctor, "but what does that have to do with breaking your leg this morning?"
"Well, as I was fixin' the barn, I figured out what she was talkin' about and fell off the roof."
Busted
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, October 14, 2006 by Author @ 5:36 PM
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap."Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith! New arrivals....want? 20% off now..."
Never hire a man to do a woman's job
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, October 13, 2006 by Author @ 9:37 PM
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Jackass
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, October 12, 2006 by Author @ 6:50 PM
This one is long but well worth reading!In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.). Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
The Tax Office Auditor
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, October 11, 2006 by Author @ 7:07 PM
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick".
The cute things they say to each other
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, October 10, 2006 by Author @ 6:39 PM
You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one.............:)Newlyweds This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife: Honey, I'll be right back...
Where are you going coochi cooh...? Asks the wife. I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.
The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him: You want a beer my love...? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc....
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar .... you know ...
the frozen glass.
He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: You want a frozen glass puppy face...? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.
The husband looking a bit pale says: Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ...chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc...
But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that...
You want dirty words cutie pie...?
HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!...