Jokes From Doctors
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 30, 2006 by Author @ 12:03 PM
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
(Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX)
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
(Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA)
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
(Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada )
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
(Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA )
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
(Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA)
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
(Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR)
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfastthis morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
(Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI)
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purplehair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Married life is very frustrating
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 29, 2006 by Author @ 9:02 PM
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Witch Doctor
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 28, 2006 by Author @ 6:59 PM
A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say one, two, three and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say one, two, three, and four and it will disappear for 12 months."
after that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed.
She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say one, two, three for?"
A wife invited some people to dinner
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, September 27, 2006 by Author @ 10:53 PM
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?""I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A Criminal Lawyer
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, September 26, 2006 by Author @ 8:00 PM
Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson's part.The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson's arrest.
"Why on Earth do you want him arrested?" asked the judge. "He got you off, didn't he?"
"Yeah," conceded Milliken, "but when I didn't have enough money to pay his fee, the son-of-a-bitch drove off in that car I stole!"
Someone Else
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, September 25, 2006 by Author @ 7:01 PM
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!"The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.
So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!".
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
Trading Place
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 24, 2006 by Author @ 3:34 PM
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies."God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love - which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Old Ghost Face
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 23, 2006 by Author @ 3:52 PM
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Escapes From Prison
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 22, 2006 by Author @ 12:19 PM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife,
"Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds,
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Not Another Word
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 21, 2006 by Author @ 7:28 PM
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -" The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him.
"But why?" croaks the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob ...
One Shot
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, September 20, 2006 by Author @ 3:21 PM
A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot."
Female With Big Hat
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 by Author @ 11:23 AM
Q: In Europe, what do you call a female wearing sunglasses and a big hat?A: A rich lady
Q: In China, what do you call a female wearing sunglasses and a big hat?
A: Tai-tai
Q: In Singapore,what do you call a female wearing sunglasses and a big hat?
(scroll down for answer)
Ans: Carpark Attendant
Tarzan
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, September 18, 2006 by Author @ 8:03 PM
Tarzan was walking through the jungle one day and got into a fight with a lion.The lion rips off one arm, one of his eyes, and rips off his penis.
Left for dead, Cheetah finds Tarzan lying there and rescues him.
Taking him up to their tree house, they give him a gorillas arm to replace the one he had lost.
An eagle's eye for his eye, and a baby elephant's trunk to replace his penis.
After a few days of using his new parts, Cheetah asks Tarzan, "How do you like your new parts?"
Tarzan replies "Me like new arm, very strong.
Me like new eye, see far and good.
But me no like new willie, all day long it picks up leaves and shoves them up my ass."
Soliciting
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 17, 2006 by Author @ 3:14 PM
There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation.One day, the police rounded up a group of pros and the girl was busted. The cops had all the girls lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting.
Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter, she asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?"
The granddaughter, not willing to reveal the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges.
Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the lineup taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother.
He was stunned and bewildered to see her so, he asked carefully, "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck 'em dry."
Strange Happenings
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 16, 2006 by Author @ 10:37 AM
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Friday mornings regardless of their medical conditions. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural.Why the deaths???????
So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward waited nervously for the terrible phenomenon to occur again.
Some holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evils..... Just before the expected time..........
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
The cleaner unpluck the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner.
Little Sausage
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 15, 2006 by Author @ 7:56 PM
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet you're bigger than the Barbecue grill ."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was Right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed,the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?"
Rope
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 14, 2006 by Author @ 2:39 PM
One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps. "Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"
Captured by Native Tribemens
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, September 13, 2006 by Author @ 11:40 AM
3 Men are walking through the jungle when they are captured by native tribesman. The tribesman take the men back to camp and present them to the chief. The chief says to the first man 'paboo or die', to this the man replies 'well i`m to young to die, I`ll have paboo' so the tribesman all rush him to an empty hut and take it in turns to fuck his arse.He walks out clutching his arse and crawls out the gate. The chief says again to the second man 'Paboo or die', the man having seen the state of his friend on departure reluctantly says 'paboo' and the tribesman take him to the hut and start to rape his booty. He also walks out clutching his arse and screaming in pain. The chief then says to the final man 'Paboo or die'.
The man stands up, spits on the chief and says I ain`t no fucking queer i`ll die like a man'. To this the chief shouts 'Death, by Paboo'
Jewish Genie
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, September 12, 2006 by Author @ 8:10 PM
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand,and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
It Happen At Church
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, September 11, 2006 by Author @ 3:48 PM
A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened.So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.
The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."
At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?"
"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."
Male Organ
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, September 10, 2006 by Author @ 11:32 AM
Question : Ms. America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?Ms. America : Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms. America : Because it stands every time it sees a woman...
(Applause! Applause!)
Question : Ms. Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Spain : Male organs in our country are like our very own bullfight or toro(bull).
Question : How can you say so?
Ms. Spain : Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
(Applause! Applause!)
Question : Ms. Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Philippines : Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumours.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms. Philippines : Because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)
Question : Ms. Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Iran : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms. Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)
Question : Ms. India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. India : Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Question : How can you say so?
Ms. India : Because it works day and night....
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)
Question : Ms. Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Malaysia : Well, I can say that Male organs in Malaysia are like the Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms. Malaysia : Looks tough but actually very soft.
Question : Ms. Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms. Singapore : Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question : How can you say so?
Ms. Singapore : It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over.
Toothpaste
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, September 09, 2006 by Author @ 1:01 PM
A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."
A couple days later the little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"
"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.
"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
Snow in June
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 by Author @ 6:33 PM
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts."Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"
Special Code
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, September 07, 2006 by Author @ 5:56 PM
A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children wouldn't know what they were talking about. They would ask "could I take in your laundry tonight ?"so the kids couldn't understand. Husband comes home from work one night and asked "Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? No not tonight was her reply.