MAN AND WOMAN
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 31, 2006 by Author @ 7:29 PM
WOMANWhen a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
When she is 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men going after her.
When she is 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man hitting her.
When she is 48, she is a pingpong ball - 2 men pushing to each other.
MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.
Nerd
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 by Author @ 10:47 PM
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account(401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Conclusion, Nerds Win, It's still better to be a Nerd.
School
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 by Author @ 8:39 PM
mom: "wake up son, it's time for you to go to school."son: "but mom, i don't wanna go to school."
mom: "give me 2 reasons why you don't wanna go to school."
son: "firstly, the students don't like me."
son: "secondly the teachers don't like me."
son: "give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?"
mom: "firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you're the principal!"
Contribue By - Ling
Honest Love Affair
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 8:36 PM
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like". "She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday--the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you". "Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now".
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said. "But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on ?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple......See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore ?"
Ah Huay
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 28, 2006 by Author @ 7:06 PM
Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair, streaked red tie and white shoes, he screamed in his mind, "OH MY GOD! THIS CAN'T BE IT, WOMEN!" Since he had no choice, he had a wild idea. "If you can make a sentance out of GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE, and BLACK, I'll give you this job." Ah huay thought awhile, and said. "I heard the phone go GREEN GREEN GREEN! Than I go PINK up the phone, and said, "YELLOW? BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Don't PURPLEly go disturb people, and dont call BLACK, ok? Kum siah."The manager fainted.
Contribute By - Ling
Diary of a Young Wife
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:57 PM
Monday:Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.
Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me? why me ?" Hmmm....It must be his job.
Birthday
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 27, 2006 by Author @ 2:45 PM
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
From: QiYueKong
Made in Japan
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 26, 2006 by Author @ 3:05 PM
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook t he taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge ! !
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!.... very fast!.... Made in Japan!
Everything is big in Texas
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 by Author @ 11:13 AM
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Viagra and Ben Gay
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 by Author @ 7:30 PM
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."
Tooth Brush
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 23, 2006 by Author @ 7:07 PM
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"Wife: "I'll clean the toliet bowl."
Husband:"How does that help?"
Wife:"I use your tooth brush."
Four Friends
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 22, 2006 by Author @ 7:32 PM
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.The first guy says:
I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says:
Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says:
Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.
The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked:
What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel!
The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
Contribute By - Ling
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:00 PM
Ah Lum was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10. Not only did he do it from 1 to 10, he also did it from 10 back to 1 as well. This is his story.1 (One) day I went 2 (to) climb a 3 (tree) outside a house to peep but the couple saw me so I panicked and 4 (fell) down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 (fight) with me. I ran until I fell 6 (sick) and threw up. So I went into 7 (Seven) eleven and grabbed some 8 (eggs) to throw at him. Then I took a 9 (knife) and tried to stab him. 10 (thank) god he ran away.
So I put the 9 ( knife) back and paid for the 8 (eggs) and then I left 7 (seven) eleven. Next day, I called my boss and said that I was 6 (sick). He said, "5 (fine) , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 (for) work." He also ask me to climb a 3 (tree) and jump down. I don't understand. I so nice 2 (to) him but I don't know what he 1 (wants).
*Seven Eleven is a store
Contribute By - Ling
UN meeting on space exploration
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, August 21, 2006 by Author @ 6:44 PM
Mr Samy Vellu attends a UN meeting on space exploration by 2008. He is representing the Malaysian Prime Minister. Here are some of the conversations:China Delegate:
"By the year 2008, China will start their moon exploration project."
Russian Delegate: "We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."
George Bush: "We the United States will also explore the moon - for the second time."
Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2008, Malaysia will explore the sun."
There was a long silence.
Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian delegate:
"Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Samy Vellu (thinking for awhile): "We will do it in the evening."
Contribute By - Jolene
Chick With Long Legs
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, August 20, 2006 by Author @ 10:05 AM
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.
"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Squashed Frog
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, August 19, 2006 by Author @ 3:03 PM
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, he had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said 'no'. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.
He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones,and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters,he and mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it.In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!!"
Girls
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 3:00 PM
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
Contribute By - Ling
Rules for Marriage
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, August 18, 2006 by Author @ 6:39 PM
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.After the wedding, he laid down the following rules : "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want. And I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin' and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments ?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
The Clinton Tragedy
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, August 17, 2006 by Author @ 10:47 PM
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' Clinton says, 'That would be an ACCIDENT.'
A girl raises her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explains Clinton.
'That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
'What?' asks Clinton, 'Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: 'If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.'
'Wonderful!' Clinton beams. 'Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss!'
Plus Sign
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 10:44 PM
A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school. While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"
Contribute By - Ling
Idiot Luck
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 by Author @ 6:40 PM
Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned mathematician, the other a great philosopher and the other one is an idiot.Since heaven was packed, St Paul summoned the three of them that there is a test for each of them. They are supposed to ask Satan a question each and if the Satan can answer them, they will have to go to Hell. A seemingly awkward filtration system to heaven, but heck, it works.
So the mathematician having thought of a way to fool Satan stood up and ask Satan to write out the most complicated mathematical formula. Satan snapped his finger and out churned 100 papers in which all the most complicated mathematical formula known to mankind was written and well printed. The mathematician was doomed and hung his head as he traverses the bridge to hell.
Next, came the philosopher, and he too thought that maybe Satan was great in maths, but poor in philosophy, hence he summoned Satan to write him the toughest philosophical statement in history. Satan took a whiz of a snap and out churned 100 papers filled with different types of complicated philosophy from different cultures and in different language. The philosopher too hung his head in dismay and walked towards Hell.
Then came the idiot. He thought for a while and asked for a stool. In that stool, he poked 7 holes, 2 holes in the first row, 3 in the second row and 2 more on the last row. He then sat on it and gave out a loud fart, turned to Satan and asked him, from which hole did the fart came out from. Satan looked at him and gave a quick answer, I think it's the 2nd hole from the left in the 2nd row.
The idiot laughed out loud and said, NO Satan, you're wrong this time. The fart came out from my ASSEHOLE!
The idiot walked happily to the Pearly Gates...
Contribute By - Ling
Three Worst Chinese Torture
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, August 15, 2006 by Author @ 7:00 PM
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all herlife?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying
"First Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying
"Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying
"Third worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".