A Foot And A Half
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 31, 2006 by Author @ 3:25 PM
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama."
Ladies Night Club
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, July 30, 2006 by Author @ 3:01 PM
The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.
What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
Pay Attention
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, July 29, 2006 by Author @ 7:28 PM
First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."
Mongolian VD
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, July 28, 2006 by Author @ 2:35 PM
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions.A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately go to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results.The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up," doc.
The doctor answers "I'm sorry,there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no!
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Monlolian VD. Velly lare lisease. "
The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!".
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican loctor!
Always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. lo leed to to opulate!"
"Oh thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You lo worry! Wait two weeky. Dick fall off by itself!"
REBONDING
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 27, 2006 by Author @ 7:21 PM
One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body.Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family;
kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc.
So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge.
On the way... they met Spaghetti?... so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can't say a word,Spaghetti then scream...
"WHAT DID I DO? I don't even know you all"???.
Then the siew pau say??..
"HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:13 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
Two men with Babies
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 by Author @ 6:51 PM
Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall- I am very sorry about that, I didn't see you I was looking for my wife.
- You know what, I'm looking for mine too, I don't know what happened to her, where she is..
- Well, how does your wife look, let's search for her together.
- Well, she's tall, gorgeous legs, big boobs, tight ass, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?
- Forget about mine, let's look for yours!!
Back Seat
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:49 PM
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher."They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blonde,
"I got in the back seat by mistake."
Train
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 25, 2006 by Author @ 8:50 PM
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Most Wonderful Weekend
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 24, 2006 by Author @ 8:02 PM
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Dark Secret
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:37 PM
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Which Feels Better
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, July 23, 2006 by Author @ 10:57 PM
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Talking Dog
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 11:32 AM
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"Coffee and Captain
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, July 22, 2006 by Author @ 4:13 PM
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"SDU
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 12:47 AM
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested, "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand You need television."
Tie
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, July 21, 2006 by Author @ 11:20 PM
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert."Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."
"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties."
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.
"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"
Hide-and-Seek
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, July 20, 2006 by Author @ 8:32 PM
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.". The police said "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.". "Well, who was it?" "The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Custody
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 8:32 PM
An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old man also wanted the custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the old man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
The Final Exam
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, July 19, 2006 by Author @ 9:51 PM
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. " Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
Help Yourself With The Grass
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 9:48 PM
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."
"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."
Contribute by - Jolene
Costume
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, July 18, 2006 by Author @ 6:50 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
Stuffed Animals
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, July 17, 2006 by Author @ 8:26 PM
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Martian
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 8:16 PM
Two astronauts, a man and a women, were on a mission to go to Mars and make contact with intelligent life. Once there, they met a male and a female Martian. Through sign language, they learned that the Martians wanted to have sex with them. So, in the name of science, the women goes away with the male, and the man goes away with the female. The women takes of her clothes, and the Martian takes of his. But he has a very small penis. Noticing her bemused look, the Martian signs: "Do you want me to make it bigger?" She nods yes, so he twists his right ear and his dick gets longer. The start fucking, and they are both starting to moan and groan. After they are really getting into it, the Martian asks: "Do you want me to make it fatter?" She says yes and the Martian twists his left ear and his dick gets fatter. It was the best sex she had ever had.Afterwards, she meets back with her fellow astronaut and says, "Well how was yours? Mine was absolutely fantastic." The male astronaut says: "Pretty good. The chick had the biggest tits I have ever seen and she was absolutely wild, but she damn near twisted my fucking ears off.
Wrong Hole
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, July 16, 2006 by Author @ 2:32 PM
A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong Hole? What do you mean Wrong Hole?"