Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 30, 2006 by Author @ 7:29 PM
A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Atthe end of the show, the man said to his wife, "I think we will have an
early night."
She answered, "Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep."
And he said, "Is that you final answer?"
She replied, "Yes."
He said, "Okay, then I'm going to phone a friend."
Invention
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 29, 2006 by Author @ 11:07 PM
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man." So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says, "Yes."
"Well, says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.
He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Bad Stomach Complaint
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 by Author @ 7:11 PM
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
Chinese Detective Story
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 by Author @ 7:19 PM
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
How to draw an apple?
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 26, 2006 by Author @ 6:49 PM
A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and that was to draw an apple each. (a nice one) The boy was trying to draw one but just can't get a nice apple. He was so angry with himself for not able to draw properly. So he thought of a way, he strip himself and rub all the water colour onto his buttock , and sat onto the drawing block and true enough a nice apple was printed on the paper.
Now the girl heard the way he did the apple, and she also did the same thing like the boy strip herself paint her buttock and sat on the paper, a nice apple appear.
The next day they passup their drawing for marking, and guess what , the boy get an A , while the girl get a C. The girl was very puzzle , why he get A and her self get C.
So she ask the teacher , teacher, teacher why he get A and I get C, we both did the apple the same way. The teacher say " Oh,... didn't you see, his has got a stem".........
Dirty Birds
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:46 PM
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.""What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Forest Fire
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 25, 2006 by Author @ 11:20 AM
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane."It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Quick Wit
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 24, 2006 by Author @ 3:45 PM
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Bra
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 3:34 PM
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.".
"What type of bra?", asked the clerk.
"Type?", inquired the man "There is more than one type?".
"Look Around.", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras.", replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked, "Only three? What are they?".
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?".
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?".
The lady responded "It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
The Twist
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 23, 2006 by Author @ 7:01 PM
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
ALASKAN MINER
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:56 PM
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender."We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers . He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the hooker. "But I thought you might want to open those beers first."
Wife
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 by Author @ 7:45 PM
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night."
The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!"
"Yes," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"
Coffee
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 by Author @ 9:49 PM
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Innocent Kids
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 by Author @ 7:06 PM
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother.""Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry put more men on the job."
Air Sick
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:03 PM
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
Who Died the Worst Death?
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 by Author @ 8:12 PM
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irritate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
Before n After Sex
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 by Author @ 12:42 PM
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to their twin beds.However, the man was not yet ready to slumber, and called over to his wife
"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband, with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman just smiles, gets up and enters hubby's bed. The two have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says
"Clumsy bitch."
Monkey
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, June 17, 2006 by Author @ 3:07 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
30 Times
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 by Author @ 8:03 PM
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out, you only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that, we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."Renting a Room
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, June 15, 2006 by Author @ 7:07 PM
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room.He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool.
The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas.
The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money.
The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
Equipment
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, June 14, 2006 by Author @ 7:33 PM
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irrate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Doctor Become A Farmer
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, June 13, 2006 by Author @ 6:52 PM
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking.Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck.
The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale."
So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly."
The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire.
A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help.
Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???"
Drugs
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 by Author @ 7:41 PM
A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. ,The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?""No sir," answered the man. "Did you ever get any from his wife?"
"No sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"
"Uh--excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"