Language
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 by Author @ 7:53 PM
This joke is no offence......One day, an "Ang Moh" from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs,he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Ang Moh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. But lady still keep asking for forty cents in Cantonese. Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her. The lady said "No! No!", "Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked,"Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English. The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and had sex with her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" he said "OK! I'll suck it for you" and he took her both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD.... in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit,"the Ang Moh replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" The Ang Moh replied,"Not too long, just 6 inches only.
A Strange Little Man
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:43 PM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden."You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".
The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it.
But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Female Genie
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, May 30, 2006 by Author @ 6:57 PM
Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile."Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman.
The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.
Butler
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:55 PM
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleasd since they would be out until quite late.The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, May 29, 2006 by Author @ 7:05 PM
TEACHER: Why are you late?WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Cindy, why ar e you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
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TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
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TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doingit. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
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TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
Q-Tip
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:00 PM
At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
Five More Yards
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 12:17 AM
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
Drunk
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 12:14 AM
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
Cup Holder
Funny Jokes Posted on Sunday, May 28, 2006 by Author @ 1:22 AM
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"
Risque Purchase
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 1:13 AM
Trying to make up for bad behavior, Bill Clinton went to the shopping mall to buy Hillary a gift. "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," he says eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size.""Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," Bill replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
Posh Theater
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 1:08 AM
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
Bottle
Funny Jokes Posted on Saturday, May 27, 2006 by Author @ 1:32 PM
A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of Whiskey, takes a long draught then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.The Californian looks at him and says "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.
The Oregonian can't believe his eyes, "What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!"
The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, then another, then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddle bag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Californian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"
The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel."
A Horny Superman
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 8:35 AM
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.
Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.
He thinks I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away.
Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!"
Skip a Day
Funny Jokes Posted on Friday, May 26, 2006 by Author @ 6:56 PM
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Competition
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 6:55 PM
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'Traffic
Funny Jokes Posted on Thursday, May 25, 2006 by Author @ 9:36 PM
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people, I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $#!#^%*% head all day long.
Confession
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 9:00 PM
A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession."Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday."
"Why did you do that?" asked the priest.
"He touched my hand without my permission," replied the girl.
"Like this?" The priest touched her arm. "Yes father."
"That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch." said the priest.
"He touched my breast too, father."
"Like this?" The priest touched her breast. "Yes, father."
"That is still no reason for you to call him a son of a bitch." said the priest.
"He then took off my clothes!" said the girl.
"Like this?" The priest then took off her clothes.
"Yes, father." said the girl.
"That's too bad." said the priest, "But that is still no reason for you to call him son of a bitch."
"He then plugged his thing in my thing."
"Like this?" The priest then plugged his thing in her thing.
After catching her breath, the girl answered, "Yes, father."
"You still should not have called him a son of a bitch." said the priest.
"But father.."said the girl "..he has AIDS."
"SON OF A BITCH!!" exclaimed the priest.
Stone
Funny Jokes Posted on Wednesday, May 24, 2006 by Author @ 11:46 PM
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'.""What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Well
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:45 PM
James was starting he's first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there's one old man keep walking round and round a well saying twelve,twelve,twelve.So out of curiosity he walk forward and ask the old man, how come he keep counting twelve. The old man point his finger in the well. So as James was bending down and look into the well. The Old man give James a mighty hard kick and James fell into the well.
And the old man continue walking round and round the well saying thirteen thirteen, thirteen, thirteen
Sucks Sex Life
Funny Jokes Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 by Author @ 11:47 PM
A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, "My sex life sucks, just when things start to get good my wife gets tired and just quits". His friends said, "I used to have the same problem but then I went out and bought a gun and put blank bullets in it." The first guy said, "How does that help?", and his friend said, "When my wife gets tired and starts to slow down I fire it and she gets so scared her adrenaline gets going and she'll fuck all night." So the first guy said I'm going to try it, and he did. He came back to the bar a couple weeks later and his friend said, "Where have you been? Did you try it?" and he says, "Yes, I tried it. I got home, put the gun under my pillow, and started to fuck my wife. Well, we were in the middle of some 69 and she got tired and started to stop so I shot it off. His friend said, "So what happened?" "She bit my dick off, shit in my face, and a naked man jumped out of my closet with his hands in the air."ON THE ROOF
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 8:08 PM
John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat with his best friend, Al. Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning cat!" And with that, he left. The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are things?"To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up. Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die? It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over." John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up. The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
Hard Elbow...
Funny Jokes Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 by Author @ 11:24 PM
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is a soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Innocent Ali
Funny Jokes Posted on by Author @ 7:51 PM
Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually he didn't even know the differences of the male and female anatomy).Aminah got tired of waiting, took off all her clothes one night and lied on the bed. Ali was shocked seeing a naked Aminah. He was more shocked that Aminah had lost her penis.
Ali contacted his neighbour, a doctor.
"Please fix it back for her!!!
Mesti jahit betul betul!!! (Must sew properly!!!)
The doctor asked to be alone with Aminah, took advantage of the situation and had his rounds of fun with Aminah.
After the doctor leaves, Ali enters the room again and found the penis still unattached.
He touched where the penis is supposed to be affixed and felt something sticky.
"Celaka punya doktor, saya suruh dia jahit dia taruh gam!!!
(The bastard doctor, ask him do sewing, he go and put glue!!!)