Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

New Hallmark Cards

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 22, 2006 | No Comments

So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!

You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mend.
Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it. She moved in with me.

You totaled your car. And can’t remember why.
Could it have been. That whole case of Bud Dry?

Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful as you…..
have such an ugly baby?

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After meeting you, I’ve changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here
to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.

As I grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married…. but not to you.

Happy Birthday! you look great for your age… almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up…. I think it’s time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time… what say we call it quits.

I’m so miserable without you…. It’s like you are still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Any idea who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday… so we’re having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!
(available only in Alabama and Arkansas)

Lawyer

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 21, 2006 | No Comments

A guy walks into a post office at AMK one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why leh?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Condom

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 20, 2006 | No Comments

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”

Contributed By – Ling

Monkey

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 19, 2006 | No Comments

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

Contributed By – Ling

A Young Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 18, 2006 | 1 Comment

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, “Honey,you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door,hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,”Baby, I didn’t’ realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it’s still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs.”

Funeral

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 17, 2006 | No Comments

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, “Watch out for that f*cking wall!”

Human Resources Manager

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 16, 2006 | No Comments

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human
Resources Manager make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No worries, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the executive in a
lift and it went down-down-down to Hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and in front of her were all her fellow executive friends that she had worked with, and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the lift.

The lift went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity”.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I would say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great, but I had a better time in Hell.”So St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw that her friends were dressed in rags and picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff…”

The moral of this story:
Never believe what you see in the company or what they promised you.
It turns out to be sh*t always.

Contribute By – Ling

Homeless Man

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 15, 2006 | No Comments

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?”
the man asked. “No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?”
the man asked. “Are you NUTS!”
replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked. “What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?” I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.

Contributed By – Ling

Cosmetic Surgeon

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 14, 2006 | No Comments

And so there was this cosmetic surgeon who was sitting in his consultation room chatting to his friend.

In the middle of a conversation, a gorgeous female walked into the room and kissed the surgeon and said:

“Thank you so much! You have done wonder to my body and look. I was an ugly duckling before that and now I looked like a princess.”

When the gorgeous lady left the room, the surgeon’s friend asked: “Wow, who was that? You have certainly done a good job.”

The surgeon replied: “Oh, that was my mum.” and they carried on with their conversation.

A moment later, another lady walked into his room. This lady was even more gorgeous than the first one and she too came round and kissed the surgeon:
“Thank you so much! You have really made me look 20 years younger. Those face lift and liposuction have certainly worked wonder to my look. How can I
ever thank you!”

As the lady left the room, his friend asked again: “Bloody hell. who was that? she sure looks like a supermodel. I am really impressed with your surgery skills now.” The surgeon replied: “Oh, that was just my wife.”

They then carried on with their normal conversation. Then suddenly a third lady walked into the room. This lady has a perfect body and the look was so beautiful it was beyond this world. She was even more gorgeous than the first two ladies. She stormed towards the surgeon and gave him a big slap, yelling: “You bastard. Look at what you have done to my body! You have ruined my life!! I hope you will die in hell.”

As the lady stormed away, the surgeon’s friend turned round to him with a puzzled look. The surgeon shook his head and responded: “Let’s not talk about it…..that was my father.”

Contributed By – Ling

Words

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 13, 2006 | No Comments

WORDS GET YOU INTO DEEP TROUBLE IF YOU DON’T USE IT CORRECTLY

Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman’s long sari. He asked her “Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph”
He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition.
Ah Seng explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn’t find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The owner replied “I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can’t allow you to stay”.
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, “I have 3 grown up daughters. “Sorry, I can’t allow you to stay”.
He went to the next house and asked: “Do you have grown up daughters?”
The Owner asked, “Why?”
Ah Seng replied, “I wanted to stay here for a night…..”
The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.

Contributed By – Ling

« go backkeep looking »

    About Joke Diary

    This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.

    Make A Donation

    If you liked my work and effort then please consider to
    Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.

    Search Jokes

    Nuffnang

    Link Me Up

    Chat Box

    Joke of the Day feed

    Join us @ Twitter

    Others

    Online Users

    Locations of visitors to this page

    Admin