Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

Coast Is Clear

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 31, 2006 | No Comments

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 AM, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here?” and hung up.

The husband said, “Who was that?”

The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.”

Handcuffs

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 30, 2006 | No Comments

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says,
“Well, OK…”

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the hell happened to you?” He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, “This just isn’t gonna be your day.”

Feel Like A Woman

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 29, 2006 | No Comments

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?” She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?” Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, “Yes!” The man hands her his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

Brian

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 28, 2006 | No Comments

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom, and I”m St Peter”.

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family.you’ve got to send me back Straight away”. St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.

“Never” replies Brian “Well just relax and let it happen”

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’ve shit in the bed”

Wooden Leg

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 27, 2006 | No Comments

A man and woman meet in a bar and start to dance. She comments on how the man is a wonderful dancer.

He says, not bad for a man with a wooden leg, eh? She says, yeah right, you don’t have a wooden leg. Well watch. So he unscrewed his leg and proved it to her. Later, dropping her off at home he kisses her and she say’s my you embrace me divinely.

He says not bad for a man with a wooden arm, huh? They go inside and play cards with her parents.

She say’s, my you play a wonderful game of cards. He say’s not bad for a guy with a wooden head eh? She say’s you don’t have a wooden head. He say’s come into the next room and I’ll show you.

The parents waited quite a while but finally look and sure enough he was screwing his head off.

Future Disappointment

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 26, 2006 | No Comments

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.”

“One, you have not studied your lesson.”

“Two, you have a dirty mind.”

“And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

Difference

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 25, 2006 | No Comments

A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up. “Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.
“‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”

Comb

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 25, 2006 | No Comments

Teacher : “How come you do not comb your hair?”
Ah Kow : “No comb, Sir.”
Teacher : “Use your dad’s then.”
Ah Kow : “No hair, Sir.”

Two Campers

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 24, 2006 | No Comments

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

State Capitals

Joke of the Day Posted on | December 23, 2006 | No Comments

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.
So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do…I memorized all the state capitals.”
One of the guys, of course, said “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N,” she answered.

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