What a Woman Says
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 10, 2006 | No Comments
What a Woman Says:
“This place is a mess! C’mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don’t do laundry right now
you’ll have no clothes to wear.”
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
LOVE
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 9, 2006 | No Comments
BOY : I can’t leave you..
GIRL : Do you love me so much??
BOY : It’s not that. You’re standing on my foot.
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Donuts
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 9, 2006 | No Comments
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, “That’s disgusting!”
Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”
What are you doing
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 7, 2006 | No Comments
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. “Daddy, what are you doing?” asked little Johnny.. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. “I, um, I’m just checking out the bathroom for mice.” replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, “Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?”
Bumpers
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 6, 2006 | No Comments
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She’d bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, “Why have bumpers if you’re not going to use them once in a while?”
Man And Wife
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 5, 2006 | No Comments
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says “maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation “‘I now pronounce you man and wife’”.
Dear Dad
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 4, 2006 | No Comments
A father, passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mum. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t, really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love your son, John.
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Opening an Account in the Bank
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 3, 2006 | No Comments
A man walks into a bank,yells at the old lady at the teller window, he needs to open a “fuckin bank account”. She says to the man ,sir you are very rude! and that she don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner. and could he please use another tone of voice. The man again states he needs to open a “fuckin bank account”. the old woman storms off her post, and runs to the bank manager with her complaint.
She tells the bank manager how this foul mouthed man had come into the bank, cursing and swearing, and using the f-word. and that she found the man very rude. Also she did not want to serve him,and felt that the manager himself had better deal with him instead.
The bank manager immediately approached the man and asked what the problem was. the man again stated that for the third time, i need to open a “fuckin bank account”. Well the manager flipped. you cant come in here talking to me and my staff like that using foul language,and going on and on. Just who do you think you are????
The man replied. look i just won 8 million dollars, and now i need to open a “fuckin bank account” WHAT?? interrupted the bank manager.and that old cunt wouldn’t help you out?
Hooker Finance
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 2, 2006 | No Comments
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said “well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor”.
“Well , what did he want to do?” They all asked.
She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”.
So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”.
“Finally I said, well how much do you have”?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand”.
He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand”
“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?”
I loaned him $75!” she said.
Condom Sales Man
Joke of the Day Posted on | November 1, 2006 | No Comments
A Man is carrying two babies, one in each arm. While waiting for a train
Along come this woman and seeing this two cute babies started asking then man, ” Aren’t they cute, what is their names?”
The man give the lady an angry look and replied, ” I don’t know.”
The Lady ask again,”Which is the boy and which is the gal?”
The man looked angrier then before and replied, “I don’t know.”
The woman then started scolding the man, What kind of father you are?”
The man replied, “I’m not their father, I’m just a condom sales man and there are the two complain I’m taking back to my company.”
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