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Tai-Chi King

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 20, 2006 | No Comments

In a company there’s this tai-chi king. His tai-chi has reached the level where even the boss could do little to ask him to do anything. One day,in a meeting, there was this action item that was supposed to be carried out by the tai-chi king. He, of course tried to tai-chi it away and this time to the production manager. Somehow, the production manager was able to turn the tables back at the tai-chi king and finally tai-chi king had to do it for the first time in the company’s history. Everybody was surprised tai-chi king’s tai-chi did not work this time. They asked the production manager what his secret was. He said, “I have been a great mee siam lover since young. So, when he tai-chi, me siam.”

I Was Coming

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 19, 2006 | No Comments

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”
The other guy replied, “I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

Contributed By – anonymous

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 18, 2006 | No Comments

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me!” Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.” He’s out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”Absolutely,”he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years”.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you’re mine.”

Contributed By – anonymous

Who is Daisy

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 17, 2006 | No Comments

A husband and wife were having breakfast. The husband was ensconced behind his morning paper.

“You had a very restless night, dear,” said the wife. “And what’s more you kept murmuring a woman’s name in your sleep. Now, tell me, who is Daisy?”

“Oh -er,” he stammered, “the fact is, my dear, Daisy is the name of a filly I backed yesterday. It won, 10-1, and here’s your share.”

Handing his wife a five-dollar bill, he hid himself once again behind the newspaper.

That evening, at the dinner table, his wife once again returned to the attack.

“By the way,” she said, “you know that horse you backed yesterday? Well, she telephoned this afternoon.”

A Little Boy And His Grandfather

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 16, 2006 | No Comments

A little boy and his grandfather are fishing.

Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, “Grandpa, can I have one of those?”
Grandpa says “Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?” to which the little boy responds “No.”
“Then you can’t have one.”

A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, “Can I have on of those?” Grandpa says “Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?” to which the little boy responds “No.”
“Then you can’t have one.”

Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, “I just won $50,000!”
Grandpa says, “Great, your going to split that with me, right?”
The little boy asks, “Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?” “Yes,” Says grandpa.
“Then go fuck yourself!”

Dentist

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 15, 2006 | No Comments

Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist : $90.00.
Patient : $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Conversation During Dinner

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 14, 2006 | No Comments

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Shit.

Why hurricanes are named for women??

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 13, 2006 | 1 Comment

Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go…………they take your house and car with them.

Two Old Ladies

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 12, 2006 | No Comments

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A Condom. This way my cigarette won’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (She is after all, over 80 years of age), but very politely ask what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Tony, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The Pharmacist Fainted………

Simple Math

Joke of the Day Posted on | November 11, 2006 | No Comments

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read’s:

Dear Wife (that’s what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

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