The Tax Office Auditor
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 11, 2006 | No Comments
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, (somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer; but on he went, in his obnoxious way): “What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes”, replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete prick”.
The cute things they say to each other
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 10, 2006 | No Comments
You may not be able to party after marriage if your wife is like this one………….:)
Newlyweds This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife: Honey, I’ll be right back…
Where are you going coochi cooh…? Asks the wife. I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.
The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him: You want a beer my love…? Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc….
The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: Yes, loolie loolie … but the bar …. you know …
the frozen glass.
He didn’t get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying: You want a frozen glass puppy face…? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.
The husband looking a bit pale says: Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer’s de devours that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK? You want hoer’s de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer’s de devours …chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc…
But sweet honey … at the bar … you know … the swearing, the dirty words and all that…
You want dirty words cutie pie…?
HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT HOER’S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!…
Area 51
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 9, 2006 | No Comments
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base, They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
“you-did-not-see-a-thing” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said,Do anything you want to me, lock me up, throw away the key, ANYTHING you want! But my wife is in the plane with me and you have GOT to tell her where I was last night!
Red and Shiny
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 8, 2006 | No Comments
The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked the class the following question, ” What is bright red and shiny?” Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, ” A fire engine !!!!??? “No! No!” said the teacher,” But I like the way you think.. Anyone else?” Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher was happy except Johnny of course.. Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded OK. “What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end?”
“JOHNNY!!!” she screamed, “WE’LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK HERE…” Johnny replied, “No, it’s a toothbrush, but I like the way you think”..
Hillbilly
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 7, 2006 | No Comments
Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave. “Wooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,”Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
“No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler,”Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”
Immediately, there was an answering “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, “Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave!”
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
“Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read…..
“NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN.”
New Ears
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 6, 2006 | No Comments
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
“I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: “I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.”
“The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.”
“And what about the third rose?” she asked.
“Oh, that rose! is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
American vs Asian
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 5, 2006 | 1 Comment
An Asian guy is having his “SNACK” (bread and jam) when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: “You Asian folks eat the whole bread??”
Asian (in a bad mood): “Of course.”
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to Asia.”
The American has a smirk on his face. The Asia listens in silence.
The American persists: “D’ya eat jelly with the bread??”
Asian: “Of Course.”
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). “We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to Asia.”
The Asian (pissed of) then asks: “Do you have sex in America?”
American: “Why of course we do”, the American says with a big smirk.
Asian: And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
American: “We throw them away, of course.”
Asian: “We don’t. In Asia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America.
Look Like Yours
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 4, 2006 | No Comments
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
“Hey, this looks like yours!”
Fats Free
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 3, 2006 | No Comments
I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat.
I said. ‘Those aren’t fat free.” Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.
The fat is free!”
Be Happy With Your Penis Size
Joke of the Day Posted on | October 2, 2006 | 2 Comments
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.
“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “Is there any way you can shorten it?”
The doctor replied, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gave him directions to the witch’s place.
The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad Joke.
“Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?”
The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, “I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter.”
The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, “NO.”
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!
“WOW!” he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, “This is great! But it’s still too long at 16 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again.”
Once more he shouted to the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!”
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, “This is fantastic!”
He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. “Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal,” he thought. “So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time.”
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, “NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!”
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