Robbery
Funny Joke Posted on | October 31, 2006 | No Comments
In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor.
Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said “OK” and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Married Young Couple
Funny Joke Posted on | October 30, 2006 | No Comments
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.
The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.”
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad and asks “But what about the $1,000?” He replied “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them”
Radio Interview
Funny Joke Posted on | October 29, 2006 | No Comments
This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 – When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ?
Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room – much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough … Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse ! Radio Silence…………Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.
Big-Game Hunter
Funny Joke Posted on | October 28, 2006 | No Comments
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he anounced, “Springbok.” Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a .22 rifle.” He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought another skin. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a .308.” He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”
His wife replied angrily, “From me!”
“What did I do?” he asked.
She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an axe!’”
Blow Job
Funny Joke Posted on | October 27, 2006 | No Comments
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Gimme a triple!”
So the bartender pours him up a triple and slides it down the bar. The man slams it back.
“Bartender, gimme another!” He bellows, the bartender pours it up, and slides it down the bar. The man slams it back again.
“Bartender, one more!” So the bartender pours it up, and slides it down again. The man slams it back.
“What are you celibrating buddy?”
“My first blowjob”, the bartender looks surprised and says “Wow, here have another on the house!”
The man looks up at him and says “Naw, if three dont get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!”
A Helping Hand
Funny Joke Posted on | October 26, 2006 | No Comments
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.
He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?” The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”
Natchitoches
Funny Joke Posted on | October 25, 2006 | No Comments
Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly.” The blonde leaned over and said “Burrrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kingggg.”
Saxophone
Funny Joke Posted on | October 24, 2006 | No Comments
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
“No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold.”
She said she didn’t believe him so she called the bar. “Hello,” she said, “I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?”
To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”
White Hairs
Funny Joke Posted on | October 23, 2006 | No Comments
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother’s hair and sadly said: “Why is some of your hair white, Mommy?”
The mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said… “Mommy, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?
Last Bowl
Funny Joke Posted on | October 22, 2006 | No Comments
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?” “Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. “Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked. “No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”