Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

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Jokes From Doctors

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 30, 2006 | No Comments

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!”
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
(Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX)

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed.
“Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
(Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA)

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
(Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada )

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.
“Now both,” I requested. There was silence.
He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
(Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA )

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
(Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA)

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”
After a look of complete confusion she answered… “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”
(Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR)

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfastthis morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
“KY Jelly.”
(Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI)

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purplehair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Married life is very frustrating

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 29, 2006 | No Comments

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Witch Doctor

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 28, 2006 | No Comments

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.
The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say one, two, three and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say one, two, three, and four and it will disappear for 12 months.”
after that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed.
She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say one, two, three for?”

A wife invited some people to dinner

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 27, 2006 | No Comments

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A Criminal Lawyer

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 26, 2006 | No Comments

Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson’s part.

The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson’s arrest.

“Why on Earth do you want him arrested?” asked the judge. “He got you off, didn’t he?”

“Yeah,” conceded Milliken, “but when I didn’t have enough money to pay his fee, the son-of-a-bitch drove off in that car I stole!”

Someone Else

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 25, 2006 | No Comments

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that !!!”

The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”

The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.

Trading Place

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 24, 2006 | No Comments

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please, create a trade in our bodies.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his wife, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m.and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned up the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 p.m.he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Old Ghost Face

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 23, 2006 | No Comments

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!” The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry; the speedometer says we’re doing 80 now.” All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

Escapes From Prison

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 22, 2006 | No Comments

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers to his wife,

“Listen this guy’s an escaped convict – look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds,
“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”

Not Another Word

Joke of the Day Posted on | September 21, 2006 | No Comments

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -” The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.
“Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.” “Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob …

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