Idiot Luck
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 16, 2006 | No Comments
Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned mathematician, the other a great philosopher and the other one is an idiot.
Since heaven was packed, St Paul summoned the three of them that there is a test for each of them. They are supposed to ask Satan a question each and if the Satan can answer them, they will have to go to Hell. A seemingly awkward filtration system to heaven, but heck, it works.
So the mathematician having thought of a way to fool Satan stood up and ask Satan to write out the most complicated mathematical formula. Satan snapped his finger and out churned 100 papers in which all the most complicated mathematical formula known to mankind was written and well printed. The mathematician was doomed and hung his head as he traverses the bridge to hell.
Next, came the philosopher, and he too thought that maybe Satan was great in maths, but poor in philosophy, hence he summoned Satan to write him the toughest philosophical statement in history. Satan took a whiz of a snap and out churned 100 papers filled with different types of complicated philosophy from different cultures and in different language. The philosopher too hung his head in dismay and walked towards Hell.
Then came the idiot. He thought for a while and asked for a stool. In that stool, he poked 7 holes, 2 holes in the first row, 3 in the second row and 2 more on the last row. He then sat on it and gave out a loud fart, turned to Satan and asked him, from which hole did the fart came out from. Satan looked at him and gave a quick answer, I think it’s the 2nd hole from the left in the 2nd row.
The idiot laughed out loud and said, NO Satan, you’re wrong this time. The fart came out from my ASSEHOLE!
The idiot walked happily to the Pearly Gates…
Contribute By – Ling
Three Worst Chinese Torture
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 15, 2006 | No Comments
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.
The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?” The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight.” The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter.”
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tommorrow morning.”
The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man.”
“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all herlife?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls’ bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying
“First Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest”.
“What a lame torture test” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying
“Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle”.
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying
“Third worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost”.
Repairs
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 14, 2006 | No Comments
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more–would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,
“Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled,
“What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?” And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.” He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.” “Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked. She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”
Communication
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 13, 2006 | 1 Comment
A judge was interviewing a women regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
she replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”
The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,”she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
Contribute By – Ling
Sahara Desert
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 13, 2006 | No Comments
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. “Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, father.”
“In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two”, says the father. The nun said, “I agree.”
“Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”, asked father
“Anything father”, replied the nun.
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Yes, sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true father?”
“Yes, it is, sister.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and we can get the hell out of here.”
REALLY Good Deed
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 12, 2006 | No Comments
St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, ‘I don’t really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don’t see anything really bad either.’
‘Tell you what,’ St. Peter says. ‘If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I’ll let you in.’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ‘em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me.
‘So, I ripped the leader’s chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron,’ the guy says. ‘Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!’
St. Peter, duly impressed, says ‘Wow! When did this happen?’
‘Just a couple of minutes ago.’
Contribute By – Ling
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 11, 2006 | No Comments
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
Teacher and Student
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 11, 2006 | No Comments
The class was very noisy just now because there wasn’t any teacher, but now everyone suddenly turned quiet. That is because the fiercest teacher in the school had entered the class. Her face is as fierce as a lion which will bite anyone’s head off if offended… And if you wanna know more…. follow the lesson.
Students: Good morning, teacher.
Teacher: (shouting)Why is it only good morning? What about afternoon and night????
Students: Good morning, afternoon and night teacher.
Teacher: That is unacceptable! It is too long. Just wish me best regards for my whole day! That is much better as it is easier and full of meaning. And that greeting can also be used for all times.
Students: Best regards teacher!
Teacher: That’s better, sit down! Listen. Today I’m going to test you all on words that have the opposite meaning. When I say a sentence or a word, all of you must answer quickly the opposite meaning to the words, understand??
Students: Understood teacher!
Teacher: I do not want any disturbance!
Students: (silence)
Teacher: Clever
Students: Stupid
Teacher: High
Students: Low
Teacher: Popular
Students: Calafare
Teacher: Wrong
Students: Correct
Teacher: Stupid
Students: Clever
Teacher: No
Students: Yes
Teacher: Oh God
Students: Oh Slave
Teacher: Listen to this
Students: Listen to that
Teacher: Quiet
Students: Noisy
Teacher: That’s not a question, stupid
Students: This is an answer, clever
Teacher: I’m dead
Students: We’re alive
Teacher: I’m lazy to teach
Students: We are hardworking to learn
Teacher: Enough! Enough!
Students: More! More!
Teacher: Stop! Stop!
Students: Start! Start!
Teacher: Why are you people so stupid
Students: Because I am someone clever
Teacher: Lack manners!
Students: Taught enough!
Teacher: O.K. Lesson has ended!
Students: K.O. Lesson has not started!
Teacher: Enough, stupid!
Students: Not yet, clever!
Teacher: Stand up
Students: Sit down
Teacher: I said CALAFARE was wrong!
Students: We said POPULAR was correct!
Teacher: You people are dumb!
Students: We are gifted!
Teacher: All of you must stay back this afternoon!
Students: Released tonight
Teacher: (Keep quiet, gather her books and went out)
Contribute By – Ling
Parrot
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 10, 2006 | No Comments
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors — green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said. “What’s the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man replied, “Got drunk once and slept with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Contribute By – Makiyo
Argument
Joke of the Day Posted on | August 10, 2006 | No Comments
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “In-laws.”
Contribute By – Ling
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