Joke of the Day : Joke Diary

Joke of the Day For Everybody

MAN AND WOMAN

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 31, 2006 | No Comments

WOMAN
When a woman is 18, she is a football – 22 men going after her.
When she is 28, she is a hockey ball – 8 men going after her.
When she is 38, she is a golf ball – 1 man hitting her.
When she is 48, she is a pingpong ball – 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 – A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 – He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 – He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 – He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.

Nerd

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 30, 2006 | 1 Comment

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account(401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics. He’ll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Conclusion, Nerds Win, It’s still better to be a Nerd.

School

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 29, 2006 | No Comments

mom: “wake up son, it’s time for you to go to school.”

son: “but mom, i don’t wanna go to school.”

mom: “give me 2 reasons why you don’t wanna go to school.”

son: “firstly, the students don’t like me.”

son: “secondly the teachers don’t like me.”

son: “give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?”

mom: “firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you’re the principal!”

Contribue By – Ling

Honest Love Affair

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 29, 2006 | No Comments

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”

The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”. “She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”. “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. “That’s all fine and good,” she said. “But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on ?”

The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple……See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

Ah Huay

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 28, 2006 | No Comments

Ah huay went for a job interview, and when the manager saw him wearing a colorful shirt, golden hair, streaked red tie and white shoes, he screamed in his mind, “OH MY GOD! THIS CAN’T BE IT, WOMEN!” Since he had no choice, he had a wild idea. “If you can make a sentance out of GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE, and BLACK, I’ll give you this job.” Ah huay thought awhile, and said. “I heard the phone go GREEN GREEN GREEN! Than I go PINK up the phone, and said, “YELLOW? BLUE’s that? WHITE did you say? Don’t PURPLEly go disturb people, and dont call BLACK, ok? Kum siah.”
The manager fainted.

Contribute By – Ling

Diary of a Young Wife

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 28, 2006 | No Comments

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.” So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kind silly in the middle of the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I’ll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did,to my mum’s place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it’s little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his work,or he wanted the chicken to dance. When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out “why me? why me ?” Hmmm….It must be his job.

Birthday

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 27, 2006 | No Comments

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,”Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”

From: QiYueKong

Made in Japan

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 26, 2006 | No Comments

A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.

The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.

A Toyota Camry overtook t he taxi…..zoom….

Jap: Look …look …Toyota!! …very fast!!!…. made in Japan! Proton…no good…. made in Malaysia.

Driver: yah….

After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi….zoom.

Jap: look…. look…. Nissan!!!….. very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton…. no good…. made in Malaysia

Driver: yah….yah…

After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi…zooom. !

Jap: look…. look… Honda!!…. very GOOD!!….very fast!!….made in Japan! Proton…no good…made in Malaysia

Driver: yah…yah…yah….!

Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.

Jap: How much?

Driver: RM150/-

Jap: Oh… very expensive….. you overcharge ! !

Driver: Noooo …. look …. look …. Sony meter!!….very good!!…. very fast!…. Made in Japan!

Everything is big in Texas

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 25, 2006 | No Comments

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Viagra and Ben Gay

Joke of the Day Posted on | August 24, 2006 | 1 Comment

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.”

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label “Viagra Extra Strength” and said, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”

The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay.”

The pharmacist replies, “Ben Gay? You’re not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?”

The man says, “No, it’s for my arms – the girls didn’t show up.”

keep looking »

    About Joke Diary

    This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.

    Make A Donation

    If you liked my work and effort then please consider to
    Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.

    Search Jokes

    Nuffnang

    Link Me Up

    Chat Box

    Joke of the Day feed

    Join us @ Twitter

    Others

    Online Users

    Locations of visitors to this page

    Admin