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A Foot And A Half

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 31, 2006 | No Comments

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.

“This is a job for Mama.”

Ladies Night Club

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 30, 2006 | No Comments

The other day, my friends and I went to a “Ladies Night Club.”

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy’s egging me on to try to top the $50.

What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

Pay Attention

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 29, 2006 | No Comments

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention….”

Mongolian VD

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 28, 2006 | No Comments

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately go to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results.The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it.” The man looks a little relieved and says “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up,” doc.

The doctor answers “I’m sorry,there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Oh no!
The doctors replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims “Ah yes, Monlolian VD. Velly lare lisease. “

The guys says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”.

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid Amellican loctor!
Always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. lo leed to to opulate!”
“Oh thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes” says the Chinese doctor, “You lo worry! Wait two weeky. Dick fall off by itself!”

REBONDING

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 27, 2006 | No Comments

One day, siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body.

Siew Pau loose in the fight and went back to tell all the paus family;

kaya pau, tau SA pau, curry pau, and etc.

So together?.. all paus went to find maggi mee for revenge.

On the way… they met Spaghetti?… so all pau ran to Spaghetti and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti can’t say a word,Spaghetti then scream…

“WHAT DID I DO? I don’t even know you all”???.

Then the siew pau say??..

“HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don’t think I can’t recognize you after you do REBONDING!”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 27, 2006 | No Comments

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

Two men with Babies

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 26, 2006 | No Comments

Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall

– I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.
– You know what, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, where she is..
– Well, how does your wife look, let’s search for her together.
– Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big boobs, tight ass, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?
– Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!

Back Seat

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 26, 2006 | No Comments

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.”

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

“Never mind,” giggles the blonde,

“I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Train

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 25, 2006 | No Comments

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look… lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Most Wonderful Weekend

Joke of the Day Posted on | July 24, 2006 | No Comments

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. “Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.” “No problem! I’ll write you a check!” “Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared.”

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!”

“I just had to come by,” grinned Sam, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

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