FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 6, 2006 | No Comments
1. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
2. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.
3. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
7. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
8. So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that precious.
9. I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
10. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Egg
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 5, 2006 | No Comments
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: “I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg.” The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now its my turn to kick you.”
The Scotsman said, “Keep the damn egg.”
Legs
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 4, 2006 | 1 Comment
A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird’s legs. The teacher said, “This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs.”
After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. “Dammit!” he hollered. “You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?” The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, “Hey you, boy, what’s your name?” The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, “I don’t know sir. You tell me.”
Mexican Border
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 3, 2006 | 1 Comment
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
The Other 10
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 3, 2006 | No Comments
Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him.
After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil’ Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr.. said, “Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.”
Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. “MOM,” Johnny yelled, “the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!”
“I know,” smiled his mom, “The other 10 are for your father.”
I know the whole truth
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 2, 2006 | No Comments
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
Three Words
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 1, 2006 | No Comments
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.’
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ‘Paint my house.’
Sex Chinese Style
Joke of the Day Posted on | June 1, 2006 | No Comments
A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.
The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!
The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.
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