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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 30, 2006 | No Comments

A married couple was watching the show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” At
the end of the show, the man said to his wife, “I think we will have an
early night.”

She answered, “Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep.”

And he said, “Is that you final answer?”

She replied, “Yes.”

He said, “Okay, then I’m going to phone a friend.”

Invention

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 29, 2006 | No Comments

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gate, the angel tells Ford,
“Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang with Adam, the first man.” So, the angel points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of the woman?”

Adam says, “Yes.”

“Well, says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much.

4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmm…”, says Adam, “Hold on.” So Adam goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Henry Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Bad Stomach Complaint

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 28, 2006 | No Comments

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

“What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

Chinese Detective Story

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 27, 2006 | No Comments

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE.

How to draw an apple?

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2006 | No Comments

A boy and a girl in a PAP Kindergarden.

The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and that was to draw an apple each. (a nice one) The boy was trying to draw one but just can’t get a nice apple. He was so angry with himself for not able to draw properly. So he thought of a way, he strip himself and rub all the water colour onto his buttock , and sat onto the drawing block and true enough a nice apple was printed on the paper.

Now the girl heard the way he did the apple, and she also did the same thing like the boy strip herself paint her buttock and sat on the paper, a nice apple appear.

The next day they passup their drawing for marking, and guess what , the boy get an A , while the girl get a C. The girl was very puzzle , why he get A and her self get C.

So she ask the teacher , teacher, teacher why he get A and I get C, we both did the apple the same way. The teacher say ” Oh,… didn’t you see, his has got a stem”………

Dirty Birds

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 26, 2006 | No Comments

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Forest Fire

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 25, 2006 | No Comments

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

Quick Wit

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2006 | 1 Comment

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

Bra

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 24, 2006 | No Comments

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”.

“What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.

“Type?”, inquired the man “There is more than one type?”.

“Look Around.”, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras.”, replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked, “Only three? What are they?”.

The saleslady replied “The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”.

Still confused the man asked “What is the difference between them?”.

The lady responded “It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

The Twist

Joke of the Day Posted on | June 23, 2006 | No Comments

It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says. “That’s cool” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

“DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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