ON THE ROOF
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2006 | No Comments
John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets weren’t allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat with his best friend, Al. Al agreed to come over to John’s house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. John told Al, “Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He’s my prize-winning cat!” And with that, he left. The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, “How are things?”
To which Al responded, “Things are fine.”
“How’s Mom?”
“Mom’s fine.”
“How’s the cat?”
“The cat’s fine.” Satisfied, John hung up. Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
“How are things?”
“Things are fine.”
“How’s Mom?”
“Mom’s fine.”
“How’s the cat?”
“The cat’s DEAD.”
“WHAT?!?” John was quite distressed. “How could you let it die? It was my prize cat!”
“Well, John, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do anything, I didn’t see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over.” John was cooling down a bit now, and said, “Well, couldn’t you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said ‘The cat’s on the roof’, then the next day said ‘The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg’, see what I’m saying.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John.”
“Ok… bye.” John hung up. The next day, John phoned Al again.
“How are things?”
“Things are fine.”
“How’s Mom?”
“Umh,” Al said, “Mom’s on the roof.”
Hard Elbow…
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2006 | No Comments
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is a soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
Innocent Ali
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 22, 2006 | No Comments
Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually he didn’t even know the differences of the male and female anatomy).
Aminah got tired of waiting, took off all her clothes one night and lied on the bed. Ali was shocked seeing a naked Aminah. He was more shocked that Aminah had lost her penis.
Ali contacted his neighbour, a doctor.
“Please fix it back for her!!!
Mesti jahit betul betul!!! (Must sew properly!!!)
The doctor asked to be alone with Aminah, took advantage of the situation and had his rounds of fun with Aminah.
After the doctor leaves, Ali enters the room again and found the penis still unattached.
He touched where the penis is supposed to be affixed and felt something sticky.
“Celaka punya doktor, saya suruh dia jahit dia taruh gam!!!
(The bastard doctor, ask him do sewing, he go and put glue!!!)
Little John playing with his airplane
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 21, 2006 | No Comments
Little John was playing with his airplane in the back yard and his mother was in the kitchen washing the dishes. As John was playing she could hear her son saying “come on all you ass-holes get off the fuck’n airplane we’ve
got a schedule to keep. All right all you cock suckers get on the airplane and sit the fuck down we’re taking off in two minutes.” When Johns mother hear this she went outside and told John to go to his bedroom because he was grounded for 2 hours. 2 hours later Johns mother came into his bedroom and told him if he could play nice he wasn’t grounded anymore. So John when back outside to play with his airplane “OK all you nice people please hurry off the airplane we have to leave on time, thank you” “All right all you wonderful passengers please get on the airplane we have to leave in 2 minutes, thank you.” “And all you people in back complaining about the 2 hour delay see the bitch in the kitchen”.
How is your wife like a tornado?
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 21, 2006 | No Comments
Q. How is your wife like a tornado?
A. There’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose it all.
Sex In The Dark
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 21, 2006 | No Comments
“Jane” was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp–only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
Is THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 10 years!?!”
“Honey! Let me explain!”
“Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed.
“You impotent SOB!!”
“Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted,
“Maybe you’d care to explain our 2 kids!!!”
Avoiding Collision
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 20, 2006 | No Comments
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
Baby Ryan
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 19, 2006 | No Comments
Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.
So one day he take the plactic container which he use to pee and run to his mom.
Immediately mummy know what’s going on and take off his shorts, aim into the container.
He gave his mom a cold hard stare and the thing come out….. from the BACK….
Last Chicken
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 18, 2006 | No Comments
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man at the table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you.
You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours.
You break one of its wings I’ll break one of your arms!”
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants bends over and says, “Your turn!!”
Vampire Bat
Joke of the Day Posted on | May 17, 2006 | 1 Comment
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.
“OK!” he said with exasperation, “Follow me.” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
“Do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”
About Joke Diary
This site is dedicated to everybody who likes Funny Jokes.
Make A Donation
Funny Jokes everyday for three months from http://JokeDiary.com via email for just 1 dollar donation.
Search Jokes
Nuffnang
Link Me Up
Chat Box