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Posh Theater

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 28, 2006 | 1 Comment

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

Bottle

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2006 | No Comments

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of Whiskey, takes a long draught then another and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says “What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!”

The Texan says, “In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey and the bottles are cheap.”

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the champagne into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it in midair.

The Oregonian can’t believe his eyes, “What the heck did you do that for? That was a perfectly good bottle of champagne!”

The Californian says, “In California, we have plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

So, awhile later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer Hefeweizen. He opens it, takes a sip, then another, then chugs the whole bottle. He then puts the bottle in his saddle bag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Californian.

The Texan, shocked, says, “Why the hell did you do that?!”

The Oregonian replies, “In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians and the bottles are worth a nickel.”

A Horny Superman

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 27, 2006 | 1 Comment

Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay.

Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is.

Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle.

He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away.

Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?” Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my ass hurts!”

Skip a Day

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2006 | No Comments

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”

Competition

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 26, 2006 | No Comments

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’ He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’ The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read… ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’

Traffic

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2006 | No Comments

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people, I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “Hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $#!#^%*% head all day long.

Confession

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 25, 2006 | No Comments

A sixteen year old girl went to a priest for confession.
“Father, I called a guy son of a bitch yesterday.”
“Why did you do that?” asked the priest.
“He touched my hand without my permission,” replied the girl.
“Like this?” The priest touched her arm. “Yes father.”
“That is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” said the priest.
“He touched my breast too, father.”
“Like this?” The priest touched her breast. “Yes, father.”
“That is still no reason for you to call him a son of a bitch.” said the priest.
“He then took off my clothes!” said the girl.
“Like this?” The priest then took off her clothes.
“Yes, father.” said the girl.
“That’s too bad.” said the priest, “But that is still no reason for you to call him son of a bitch.”
“He then plugged his thing in my thing.”
“Like this?” The priest then plugged his thing in her thing.
After catching her breath, the girl answered, “Yes, father.”
“You still should not have called him a son of a bitch.” said the priest.
“But father..”said the girl “..he has AIDS.”
“SON OF A BITCH!!” exclaimed the priest.

The reason I’m tired and overworked

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2006 | No Comments

I’m tired because I’m OVERWORKED.

The population of this country (Singapore) is 3.8 Million. 0.8 Million are retired, leaving 3 Million to do the work.

There are 1.1 Million in school, and that leaves 1.9 Million to do the work.

Of this total, 0.9 Million are employed by the government and 650,000 people are serving the Singapore Armed Forces, leaving 350,000 people to do the work.

There are 120,000 musicians and artists, and that leaves 230,000 to do the work.

80,000 of them are in the hospitals and 50,000 of them are handicapped, leaving 100,000 to do the work.

Of this, 30,000 are self-employed, 60,000 are unemployed, and so 10,000 are left to do the work.

Now, there are 9,998 people in the prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work – you and me.

And you’re sitting there reading this! No wonder I’m tired!!!
So stop reading this and do some work!!!!!!

Still reading huh??? quick!!!! GET TO WORK NOW!!!! 🙂

Well

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 24, 2006 | No Comments

James was starting he’s first day of job as a policeman. So as he was patrolling. He saw there’s one old man keep walking round and round a well saying twelve,twelve,twelve.

So out of curiosity he walk forward and ask the old man, how come he keep counting twelve. The old man point his finger in the well. So as James was bending down and look into the well. The Old man give James a mighty hard kick and James fell into the well.

And the old man continue walking round and round the well saying thirteen thirteen, thirteen, thirteen

Sucks Sex Life

Joke of the Day Posted on | May 23, 2006 | No Comments

A guy was talking with his friend in a bar and told him, “My sex life sucks, just when things start to get good my wife gets tired and just quits”. His friends said, “I used to have the same problem but then I went out and bought a gun and put blank bullets in it.” The first guy said, “How does that help?”, and his friend said, “When my wife gets tired and starts to slow down I fire it and she gets so scared her adrenaline gets going and she’ll fuck all night.” So the first guy said I’m going to try it, and he did. He came back to the bar a couple weeks later and his friend said, “Where have you been? Did you try it?” and he says, “Yes, I tried it. I got home, put the gun under my pillow, and started to fuck my wife. Well, we were in the middle of some 69 and she got tired and started to stop so I shot it off. His friend said, “So what happened?” “She bit my dick off, shit in my face, and a naked man jumped out of my closet with his hands in the air.”

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